by Alcomum

Created on: May 03, 2009

I do not write with any medical expertise. But as an alcoholic with a long history of self harm, I do write with experience.

I do not recall a time in my life when I did not self harm, so I have no doubt whatsoever that self harming has always been a part of who I am. As I child, I used to get in trouble for picking at scabs, making the cuts bigger and nastier for many weeks at a time. I remember clearly being about 5 years old and being in my bedroom (with Sarah Kay wallpaper and a Tiny Tears collection of dolls) feeling really agitated and stressed becasue I wanted to pick at something but I didn't have any cuts. I found some relief from plunging my arms and hands into burning hot water and gritting my teeth until I could bear it, determined to keep my arms in there and not let the water BEAT me.

By about age 7, I progressed to making cuts on my arms and legs by scratching the same spot over and over again until it stung. As an adult, I was regularly making cuts on my arms with a knife in times of severe distress. I had discovered alcohol by then, but on reflection I do not really see any obvious pattern or overlap between the two. I self harmed long before I even knew alcohol existed. And I did not have to take drink to self harm either. The only definite connection is that both of them appear to have been inherently part of me since birth. And either or both of them have been my main method of coping with difficulty my whole life.

I guess I was pretty much a "normal" drinker until after the birth of my youngest son. At that time, I separated from my children's father and I felt my life was crumbling down around me. I was a single parent of 2 young children, one of them a newborn, and the love of my life no longer wanted to be with me. I was truly devastated. That is when the alcoholism really started to progress, Interestingly, that is also the time I progressed to using a knife to harm myself. I think that point in my life is where the alcohol and the self harm merged into something very dangerous. And potentially deadly.

That was 4 years ago. I have continued to struggle against the overwhelming urge to self harm, and I made it for just over 2 years not cutting myself. That was not easy though. My alcoholism has spiralled downwards during this time at an alarming rate. 8 weeks ago, I went to my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I have not had a drink since. I have not cut myself for about 10 weeks now either. Both the alcoholism and the self harm are still built into my DNA. But I hope and pray I have found a way to tackle them both. I used both to escape - from life, from intense emotions, from fear and self doubt. And I used both as an easier and quick fix alternative to communicating.

So now, I am trying to tackle my life one day at a time. When I feel intense or highly charged, I try to communicate either with someone close to me, another alcoholic, or through writing in online communities such as this one or in my blog. And I try to stay away from picking up a drink or a knife. Just for today. And I will deal with tomorrow when it comes.

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