by Lauren Ice

Created on: May 03, 2009

He is my first husband and I am his second wife. This is a situation that is becoming more common, as people divorce at younger ages and then choose to remarry. In my case I was 23 and he was 30 when we married two years ago, and I became the step mother to a wonderful 7 year old little girl. I would not take back a minute of it but there are many challenges in being his second wife.

1. His fear.

Most men already have an aversion to commitment on some level. Now add to that the stress of a divorce , or the death of his wife, and see how willing he is to jump back into that water. He will probably be very worried that it will happen again. If she did something particularly heinous his fear could pollute your marriage for years. Consider marital counseling if either of you have been divorced or widowed, it will let you cope with the past and help your partner gain understanding.

2. This isn't his first rodeo.

I had always imagined that when I got married that it would also be my husbands first wedding. We would both go through the process together as an adventure and would learn everything together. Then I fell in love with a divorced man, and went on my adventure with a "tour guide", who had already been down this road before. It is challenging getting past the ideals you had, and it will be stressful trying to plan a wedding and set up a home with someone who has done all of this before, but it is also positive if you choose to look at it that way. He hopefully learned something from his previous marriage that he can bring to yours.

3. Having the bar already set.

When my husband compared me to his ex-wife the first time I nearly came unglued. "I'm not her!" I shouted and stormed off. When I visited his friends and family they told stories about her incessantly, he compared our wedding to their's throughout the planning process, and of course I heard how she wore a size 2 until she was six months pregnant. Then I realized that they are divorced for a reason. I'm his wife now, and I should not be threatened by her. She is part of his past so she will inevitably come up in conversation, he can't just dismiss all those years of his life.

4. Step Children.

When you marry him, you've married his whole family. This may include children, and just like the rest of his family, they're a package deal. His child may love you from the beginning, or they may resent you. The may dislike you for many reasons: You take their Dad's attention from them, they want to be loyal to their Mom, or you may actually be mean. Bonding with his children should start before you are married and may be a long process. The most important thing is to treat them with respect regardless of how they behave or how you feel about them.

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