by Austin Cooper

Created on: May 02, 2009   Last Updated: May 07, 2009

Out of fear and perhaps paranoia, Vice President Biden regrettably opened his mouth once again. What started as the Today Show quickly turned into a comedy show as poor Joe let his deepest anxieties be known.

While America confronts the swine flu, Mr. Biden proposes more drastic measures. For no matter the extent to which the virus infiltrates America, adherents to his proposal won't succumb to its consequences not by the hair of their chiny chin chins. This largely being so because they'll resort to a life of near hermitage.

Biden explains: "Today I would tell members of my family and I have I wouldn't go anywhere in confined places now. It's not that it's going to Mexico. It's [that] you're in a confined aircraft. When one person sneezes, it goes all the way through the aircraft. That's me."

"So, from my perspective, what it relates to is mitigation. If you're out in the middle of a field when someone sneezes, that's one thing. If you're in a closed aircraft or closed container or closed
car or closed classroom, it's a different thing."

Biden holds that, unlike Sarah Palin, these pigs can't be dressed up with lipstick. But before American business shuts down and its people revert to ancient living standards, a comparative study between the threat of swine flu and the threats of fleeing to an open field is appropriate.

Thus far there have been 141 cases of swine flu in the United States
along with thankfully 0 deaths. Though one's breath may easily disseminate through the open air, certain tragedies still plague the open field. For example, one is three times more likely to get struck by lightning than struck by the flu and infinitely more likely to die from lightning than die from the flu. One is fifty six times more likely to get attacked by a venomous snake than attacked by the flu and infinitely more likely to die from a snake than from the flu. Finally, 400 people die from allergic reactions each year making it infinitely more likely to die from grass in a field than flu in a pig.

After reading his comments, it's obvious that, like the closed aircraft, container, car, and classroom, Biden's mind is completely closed
to sound reasoning. His off-the-cuff proposition entails a disastrous boycott of our nationwide air traffic, car traffic, subway traffic, bus traffic, and container traffic (?)in other words, an economic collapse at the hooves of bedridden bovine.

During the presidential campaign, liberals proudly touted the future vice president as Bull Dog Biden. Both his unruliness and tendency to come off the chain are ingrained in his nature. After sizing up the swine flu and prescribing too large a dose of healing oinkment, Obama is likely to toss a bone in a closed container and urge the bull dog "Go fetch!"

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