by Alcomum

Created on: May 02, 2009   Last Updated: May 03, 2009

I suffered a miscarriage 5 years ago. And I choose the word deliberately as I don't believe any woman who wants her baby "has" a miscarriage. Miscarriages are suffered. Often silently. And privately. Agonisingly. When it happened to me, I truly did not believe there was such a thing as life after miscarriage. Five years later, it is still part of my life and part of who I am as a mother. But I am still here. So there is hope for anyone - I have survived this: so can you.

Mine was a first trimester miscarriage, but I had been happily pregnant for about 8 weeks. The pregnancy was planned and I already had a healthy, happy 2 year old son. From the second the stick turned blue, I was "having a baby". I was thinking of names, planning the nursery, working out when my maternity leave would start, the whole bit.

It started one Monday night when my then partner was away working. I went to the bathroom and there was blood. Just a little. But I knew it was wrong. The fear, the panic and the sheer lack of control was unbearable but tangible and very, very heavy. It all took a few days to play out. Doctors told me there was nothing anyone could do, and that nature would take its course. Other well meaning people had no idea they were risking life and limb when they told me that maybe it just wasn't meant to be and I would get over it and have a healthy pregnancy next time. I was never able to see people's kindness or good intentions back then (unknown to me at the time, I am an alcoholic, and yes - I drank regularly at that stage). I could only see other people as being insensitive or even cruel.

The biggest problem I had was that I blamed myself. I was working on a really big and stressful case at work. That Monday, I had spoken to my partner on the phone and told him I was having the most stressful day of my working life. And it was that night the bleeding started. So it was my fault. If I hadn't taken that job to make more money, everything would have been fine. If I had been better prepared for that case, I would not have gotten so stressed and everything would have been fine. If I appreciated the child I already had more, everything would have been fine. If I hadn't already told people I was pregnant, everything would have been fine. Jack Bauer has nothing on me when it comes to torture.

I never really grieved for the baby I lost. I fell into a black hole for about 2 weeks where I was chronically depressed and sat on the sofa a lot watching brain dead TV. I contemplated

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