by Erin Cole

Created on: May 02, 2009   Last Updated: May 03, 2009

Like fingerprints, everyone's sexual past is unique and defines their sexual identity. How couples perceive and engage in sex is the result of personal experience and ultimately shapes their intimate framework. However, these topics can be upsetting and/or embarrassing, so here are a few things to consider before divulging passions of the past: be considerate of each other's feelings, determine what past sexual experiences are relevant to current discussions, too much honesty can be detrimental, and keep conversations focused on heightening sexuality.

BE CONSIDERATE Discussions regarding sex, past lovers, and sexual encounters are topics that can invoke intense emotions of jealousy, rejection, and shame. Whether the relationship is new or mature, spouses should be courteous of one another's feelings, especially when it comes to details and attitudes of past sexual relationships. If the conversation is a matter of suggestion, consider how best to convey wants and/or needs in a manner that is sensitive and beneficial to the relationship. Comments should never be demeaning or incite rivalry with previous sexual partners.

DETERMINE WHAT IS RELEVANT Consider what topics are relevant to the current discussion. There are some details that are better left unsaid. Often, spouses compare one another with past sexual partners, which is not only a bad idea because it invites potential disappointment, but it also neglects the uniqueness of the current sexual relationship. What is important in any marriage is the present connection with each other. Explore and disclose only those aspects of past sexual experiences that will foster and deepen intimacy.

HONESTY AT ALL TIMES? Honesty is vital to relationships, but too much can be detrimental. Although certain sexual experiences of the past have attributed to one's sexuality, they may not be appropriate conversations in the current relationship. Additionally, some questions should never be asked. Direct inquiries such as, "How many partners have you had?" can provoke painful discrepancies between couples. Instead, focus on the quality of relationships in the past, as quantity of sexual encounters is often insignificant and disregards the special union with a current spouse. A person's feelings should always be respected and neither individual should feel they must divulge more than they are comfortable with.

HEIGHTENING SEXUALITY The primary reason for discussions pertaining to sexual past is to improve the current sexual relationship. This can be a fun and exciting opportunity for spouses to get to know each other, explore, and share in sacred energy together. Differences in sexuality can complicate intimacy, but it can also heighten and increase sexual pleasure. To avoid painful discussions regarding a partner's sexual past, approach these conversations as an opportunity to heighten sensual pleasure and build trust.

Sex is a hot topic in any room of the house, but when discussions regarding sexual history are opened, it is advisable to keep some doors closed. Remember that each person has unique sensual characteristics and a sexual past. An intimate relationship with another person requires consideration and respectful honesty and the trust which develops from having put another person's feelings first will only deepen intimacy and increase sexual pleasure.
Good luck, be nice (or naughty), and have fun.

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