by Brandy Fee

Created on: January 31, 2007   Last Updated: May 02, 2007

We all know that divorce is often times like an emotional train wreck. It causes resentment, anger, and often times, jealousy. These emotions can surface immediately after the divorce, or may not surface until one parent or the other has decided to remarry. When a parent does remarry, often times it creates a power struggle between the mother and stepmother or father and stepfather. Many times it is the biological parent who instigates this problem. (NOW, I am not saying that there are not those stepparents out there who don't instigate many problems, try to take over the parent's position in their child's life, and are just outright demeaning to the relationship the parent has with their child but for the sake of this post I am focusing on the view of the instigation being caused by the parent.)

Many times when this occurs you end up with children who are severely confused on what their relationship should be with their stepparent. They are put into a position to feel as if they are breaking some kind of loyalty pact with their parents, betraying them by loving, or even liking their stepparents.
When a biological parent badmouths (name calling; "you don't have to listen to ______"; _______ is just worthless, your mom/dad should never have married them; etc) it creates tension in an already tense relationship. A step-relationship is often times a very hard relationship to establish, especially with older children. When a parent acts negatively towards or about a stepparent, it creates a roadblock for the stepparent and child.
I think that it is the parent's responsibility, just as much as the stepparents, to assure that there is a positive relationship established with the child and stepparent. It makes life a lot easier for the child, makes the transition from one household to the other (in the cases of visitation or joint custody) a more pleasurable experience, and creates a more peaceful atmosphere within the entire unit.
As parents, it is our responsibility to put our own emotions aside and act in the best interests of our children. It is our job as parents to see to their happiness and well-being, not just physically, but also emotionally and mentally. Our insecurities and emotions pale in the shadows of theirs, as we are to be their protectors and guides through their childhood and into their adult lives.
What is your thought on the issue? Do biological parents who badmouth and act negatively towards stepparents make the situation worse and harder for the child? Are there truly any advantages to the child in doing so?

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