by Jeffrey Jason Hill

Created on: May 01, 2009   Last Updated: May 13, 2009

Writer, thinker, pothead, pill-taker, man of letters, manic depressive, devious thief, exceptional standout, I once thought I could conquer the world, but what have I done lately? These are some of the symptoms of bipolar disorder. Have I become the best-selling novelist I'd always envisioned I'd be? I had not. Unfinished novels are killing me. I retreat to my place of seclusion, again, which looks like Serendipity to me but to strangers it looks like Hell. That promiscuous relationship you idolized is over. You are broke - again. You live paycheck to paycheck. You brood sensationally. And you weren't meant to be a recluse. A man of your gifts should live an active life, a man in full, a gregarious specimen. Your goals and dreams would necessitate contact with the outside world. You haven't shaven in days. You seem in poor health. Of course you masturbate, and anesthetize yourself with pot, lots of pot.

Here you hate your family. You hate yourself. In this place you are defiant. You don't need anyone's help. You blame them, after all. Why didn't they notice this in me earlier? Why didn't anyone care enough to intervene and get me the help I needed?

I am irritating, entertaining, provoking, informing, and abusive. I didn't sleep last night. I haven't shaven in days . . . .

Bipolar disorder is not something you can't just will away. You can't just pull yourself together and everything will be a beautiful garden. Bipolar disorder is a serious illness, Bipolar depression is particularly strong, and can last for life.

Research shows that depression NOT all in your head, nor is it a sign of weakness. It is a serious illness, like cancer or heart disease. Two in three individuals suffering from depression don't get the help they need. It can make a person feel exhausted, worthless, hopeless, and helpless. It doesn't do him or her any good for his loved ones to accuse him of laziness, or faking illness.

Successful bipolar treatment involves more than just taking medications. It involves understanding the disease, getting help from professionals, support from friends and family, and learning successful strategies for dealing with depression.

It is fond memories fading fast, the past idealized. It is a sad, anxious and empty mood. It is feelings of hopelessness and pessimism. It is guilt. It is worthlessness. It is learned helplessness. It is loss of interest or pleasure in activities. It is decreased energy, fatigue; difficulty concentrating, remembering, or making decisions; insomnia, decreased appetite. It is waking up in the middle of the friggin' night for weeks on end, awakened by your inner alarm clock. It is restlessness or irritability. It is thoughts of death or suicide. Only when these symptoms exist for an unreasonably long time is there reason to suspect that what seems like an ordinary mood has become, or, is, depression.

It is small grudges remembered, tucked away in the jaspers of your minds, the grudges, the people that we feel have wronged us. We love our family, even though we have treated them like crap. "This is real," they begin to say. "He really has something."

It is the world in tatters, violent, killing each other, and being fearful of all of it, every friggin' day. It is the drugs and the feet and hands going where you don't want them to go, masturbating down currents of time, losing jobs over attendance or tailspins or panic attacks or any number of things listed above.

Hopefully, you have the love in your life that I do in mine. Though I more often than not still hold the world at arm's length, I gotta say they really do love me to put up with me this long, like this. And, I think, that's why I'm still here.

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