by M.R Vavala

Created on: May 01, 2009

I sob uncontrollably and then quite suddenly stop.

For the rest of the journey, the baby sleeps soundly.

He is perfect.

When he sleeps, his angelic face is oh so peaceful.

His small puckered mouth coos and pouts and it is all I can to stop myself from kissing him on them for all eternity.

His blond tuft of hair is oh so soft and smells so sweet. Of talcum and baby and I stop myself from holding him all the time.

I dont want to fall in love...

I do not want to think anymore of him. He is almost a month old. A month to the day.

And yet, I have not given him a name.

I cannot give him a name.

The beautiful cheruby child that sleeps and feeds and barely whimpers. My perfect child, without a name...

Another block and soon this will be all over.

Another block and he will be gone from my life forever.

I can begin it all again.

Another block. Drive. Just drive.

I wish the rain would stop.

Gosh, it hasnt rained so much for such a long, long time.

The rain. This rain but- then again, the rain is almost a relief.

No, let it rain. I don't want it to stop. Rain, rain forever. It seems fitting. Maybe, it shall wash away some of this pain. Or,

maybe it should rain forever and remind me of what I did tonight. Of what I will soon do...

I am giving him away. I am giving my baby away. This is such a classic scene in the movies. Such a cliche'. Oh God, how

shallow am I? How mch more can I detest myself?

A drop off to the orphanage in the middle of the night, while rain beats an endless drumbeat on my car roof.

I always dreamt of having a child.

One to call my own. Raise and love and cherish forever.

I dreamt of a little boy, James and of a little girl Stephanie.

And they were my life. Perfect in every way.

With eyes the colour of the summer sky and hair golden and curly and soft.

They would make me smile and fill my heart with abounding love. I would treasure them and keep them close and never let

feel pain. They would laugh and fill my world with happiness.

I would bake them cookies and sing them lullabies and tell them stories each night before bed. I would kiss them and hug

them and be proud when they called me their Mother.

Oh God, give me strength. I feel like my heart will break forever.

God forgive me. Forgive me too, little one.

But- this cannot be. I cannot go on in secrecy. I cannot hide myself away forever.

My poor baby boy.

No, stop, please, please stop.

I cannot do this to him.

I cannot do this to me....

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