by M.R Vavala

Created on: May 01, 2009

And it was over.

I do not know what I had envisioned.

I do not know what I thought.

But, it was all so quickly, one last gasp for air and then nothing.

I squeezed her hand.

Nothing.

I squeezed it harder and willed her to open her eyes.

Nothing.

"Let her go love. She is gone. She is in a better place."

I heard the words, but- I could not register them.

No.

No, my mind became void of thoughts.

My hand squeezed hers again.

I willed her with all my might to open her eyes.

Squeeze my hand.

Dear God, please.

Anything.

Not like this. Dear God, it was so unfair. One day she was here and now she was gone. It wasn't supposed to be this way.

No.

"No, no, no, no!"

And all I got was a sorry.

"I am sorry, she came out of nowehere...I did not see. She was too fast..."

Too fast. My little angel. Not fast enough. There was never any hope. She had left me the moment the car had hit. Her tiny

little body was no match for the jeep. She was never destined to win. Her tiny little arms splayed to the side, her tiny little body

twisted and contorted into something not right. And the blood, dear God, the blood that flowed from her little mouth and head.

My poor, poor baby. My child. My whole world...

I could not breath. I realised I had been holding my breath. I gasped. I coughed, I spluttered. I gasped again.

I could not get the air in fast enough.

"Calm yourself Lilly. Please calm down. Oh God, nurse!"

I felt my mind go black, I felt my body go limp.

Yes, I will join you soon.

I am dying.

"She will be fine. It's the shock. She has fainted. Leave her rest. She will come too soon."

No, I will not.

I will leave my eyes closed.

My body is so heavy.

I cannot move.

I do not want to move.

I cannot go on without her.

Dear God, take me too. My heart is leaden, my body so weak.

It is so black here and I do not need to see my days anymore.

Why can't I stay like this forever?

Dear God, it hurts so much.

My heart. My heart.

She did not scream. She did not ever scream in pain.

My baby.

My sweet baby girl.

Why did you have to leave me?

Why did you have to go?

I do not want this life anymore.

I do not want to breath anymore.

Just as you took your last breath and went to the heavens, why can't I too?

Let me follow you and we can be together...

Five years was not enough...

Did I tell you that I loved you?

I wish I had told you at every moment of the day.

I wish I had never growled at you.

I wish that I made you laugh every second...

Your beautiful smile. Your contagious giggle...

I wish I had not let you play in the front garden with your ball. I never did. But- I was there too. I was. I was...

My love, come back to me.

I cannot live another day without you.

Please don't make me go through this life without you.

You still need me.

This pain.

God, this pain...

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