by Corinna Craddock

Created on: April 30, 2009   Last Updated: May 01, 2009

Should ex lovers be friends? What differentiates the couples who remain friends from those who don't? When children are involved, they must co-parent friendly ... but can divorced parents really be friends? Should a new relationship tolerate an ex when children are not involved? Are there things to consider that are particular to friendship between ex lovers?

Deciding to be friends with an ex lover is a choice that should be made by people who are able to honesty connect with true feelings about current intentions and future desires, without using denial as a tool to sell current status to others.

Your current relationship is sensitive to the silent hints and nonverbal clues that let people know someone may have feelings for an ex. Immature lovers will argue that they should be allowed to be friends with an ex, exhibiting defensiveness in response to not being trusted. Those accused act outraged at not being believed capable of keeping things platonic with an ex.

But if you secretly have longing for your ex, it will show. Whether or not it becomes a self fulfilling prophesy that follows accusations... and brings you into the passionate arms of your ex lover... that is the game you choose to play when you enjoy temptation under the guise of casual friendship. Are you fundamentally capable of being honest and mature? Or are you just enjoying a naive thrill to feel important, or resolve past issues, at the expense of another?

If you question having feelings for your ex, then you most likely do have feelings for your ex lover. Mature women who have experienced friendship without those secret feelings of longing can tell you that it is possible. Saying you did not have feelings for your ex, after the line has been crossed, is about as statistically possible as a woman saying she did not know she was pregnant until her denial finally gives birth. People who try fooling themselves, seldom fool others who detect motives of denied reality.

So what makes some ex lovers different? Why are some able to be friends?

1) Believe it or not, sometimes it is easiest to become friends with an ex-lover who was once your enemy. Two people who come to mutual understanding that they are a volatile mix are often able to enjoy interpersonal relationships, and to co-parent in ways that they had failed to do when together. At the risk of spoiling objective observation with personal experience, this author can share that, after two marriages ended with two restraining orders and one vacation

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