by Carolyn Miller

Created on: April 30, 2009

Not too many people knowingly start a family with the idea that it will not last. Usually there is an innocent idealism that tells two people that they can do anything and that what they have started will be the best of the best. While there are some families that start out "accidently", we will look at those who chose to become a family. What causes a family to fall apart when it was started with hopes and dreams?

While not all families that are falling apart end in divorce, looking at the causes of divorce will create a good window for looking at the causes of a family falling apart or becoming dysfunctional. Here are the five most common reasons that lawyers give according to The American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, in an article called "Making Marriage Last", www.aaml.org/go/library/publications/making-marriage -last/ .

Poor communication

Financial problems

A lack of commitment to the marriage

A dramatic change in priorities

Infidelity

Many have summed up the above reasons into one reason - selfishness. A good case can be made for that argument. Families that successfully stay together find they must have a strong willingness to give and take.

In a world where people are taught to be assertive, don't get walked on and protect your self, it is no wonder that families too are becoming more self-centered. The key to keeping a family together just might be to become more others-centered.

In a publication by the Virginia Cooperative Extension, Publication Number 350-090 posted June 1999; the authors list seven keys to a successful family. They are:

Problem-Solving - the family needs to have the ability to resolve issues and challenges.

Communication - the ability to express feelings and listen to other's concerns.

Clear Family Roles - establishing who is responsible for what and sharing the work.

Affective Responsiveness - families need to be able to share and experience feelings such as love, tenderness, joy, fear, and anger.

Affective Involvement - how well does the family show interest in and value the activities and interests of individual family members?

Behavior Control - families with flexible behavior patterns are better able to adjust to and cope with changing family circumstances.

Each of those seven keys will require a person to become more other-centered. Let's look at those five top reasons for divorce (or failing families) again and see if self-centeredness (or selfishness) might be the root cause of them all:

Poor communication

Both expressing feelings

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