by Danielle Skeldon

Created on: April 29, 2009

-Like A Virgin on Christmas-

"AHHH ! DAMNIT!"

Feedback from the microphone screeched through the air, causing a distressed look on the faces of the many well intoxicated people indulging in the pleasure of seeing their favorite bartender sprawled out under the Christmas tree with the town whore.

It was, after all, not an everyday occurrence in this neck of the woods.

As bad as it may sound, I will forever cherish that moment in time as one of my few moments worthy of going down in history.

Maybe I should explain a little.

You see, earlier that day I had made a shocking and most unexpected discovery-I was pregnant. Now I understand that drinking is most definitely the last thing any woman should do when she is assaulted by this type of information, but seeing as at that time in my life I was completing devoid in the department of rational thinking, and that drinking was my answer for everything, I honestly didn't see the harm in it. I headed straight for the pub, searching for a place where everyone knew my name but hung their judgment at the door.

Armed with the influence of tequila and numerous bottles of Bass Ale, I decided it would be a nice idea to make a public spectacle of myself and sing a little karaoke. Having chosen a song I found to be more than fitting for the occasion, I plead for the companionship of the town whore to help me out with the entertainment. What made things a bit more interesting,was the fact that ,unbeknown to me, the town whore was absolutely, totally ,and completely illiterate. Karaoke, I would imagine, can be very difficult for those who do not know how to read. But none the less, she put on a show with me unlike any other.

Now it was Christmas time here in New England, and as customary, there was a lovely display consisting of a tree and presents decorating the stage, which would not have been complete without the presence of (in true Portuguese fashion) baby Jesus in the manger. The setting could not have been more perfect for what was about to take place. As the intro began, everyone in the bar stopped what they were doing to peer up at the stage, with eyes wide like headlights.

"I made it through the wilderness"

I sang, she danced, and try as she might to read those words, nothing but the chorus seemed to escape her promiscuous lips.

" Like a virgin.HEY! Touched for the very first time".

Her hips gyrated; my laughter began to seep out from the sides of my widening smile. I was filled with uncontainable joy. It was a Baptist church moment- my knees went weak, I was TOUCHED! Not by the good lord, but by the power of Madonna and a plastic baby Jesus! My body was under the control of a greater force, and down I went. As I lay, squinting from the glare of the twinkling Christmas lights above, I belted out a version of Like a Virgin that would have made Madonna herself proud.

That moment was the beginning and the end, all in one. The last thing I remember was staring up at those angelic twinkling lights thinking "I'm going to be a mama"

Thank plastic baby Jesus I got home in one piece.

Learn more about this author, Danielle Skeldon.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.