by Knottrippin

Created on: January 31, 2007   Last Updated: October 31, 2008

My therapist stared blankly at me as I babbled about my love life and school and my mother. Finally she cut me off - ahah, she was listening.

"Can you eat a meal without feeling guilty?", she asked. I squirmed in my seat. "Yes!", I answered.
"No", I answered.
"Well maybe."

Finally I conceded with a resounding NO. It was true. Since college, I can not remember a single dinner where I did not complain or take an ant-acid or diuretic or even worse try to throw it up. For years I had joked that I had been an unsuccessful bulimic because I didn't like the feeling of throwing up. But the truth was I did have an eating disorder. No, my health wasn't in jeopardy, but the future of my health and my spirit was.

For years I had struggled with weight. I had started college weighing only 112lbs. By the end of the school year I had shot up too 120. I was OK with that knowing that the "freshman 15lbs." was a normal occurrence. I felt more grown up and welcomed the newfound curvaceousness. Although I was comfortable with my freshman 15, no one had warned me about the "graduate 40".

One year after college I had gone form 125 to 165 lbs. I didn't look anything like myself. My confidence level had plummeted and food was my enemy. I started taking any and every laxative that I could find. I went on fad diets to the point of starvation. I would lose weight only to gain it back two fold.

Finally I moved to New York which requires a pedestrian lifestyle and I discovered Ephedra. The miracle drug. I was soon back into my size 5 jean. Hallelujah!

My confidence was at 110%. I was unflappable. I felt sexy and bold and would conquer anything.

Not long after my miraculous weight drop, Ephedra was banned and I ballooned back up to 160lbs.

I was depressed and cried all of the time. I was desperate and taking any and every pill that promised some sort of weight loss.

One weekend a sorority sister of mine came to visit. That day as we walked beside I was the fat girl. She had always been a large girl in school. It wasn't that I was huge, it was that she had lost tons of weight.

That weekend I started a weightless plan that I have kept up with for the last few years.

Atkins. I was finally able to release myself from my fear of food, eat whole and healthy and let go of dangerous weightless drugs.

By following a regimen of high protein and vegetables and limiting my carbohydrate intake I have been able to maintain a healthy balanced lifestyle.

I still falter from time to time, but I am able to go back to basics and remember what works for my body.

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