by Anne Taylor

Created on: April 27, 2009

Some day a friend or relative may ask you to write an adoption reference letter, or during the screening process your name is on a list of friends and family and the agency contacts you directly for a letter. You sit down at your desk and stare at the blank page and wonder: "What am I suppose to say?"

Relax. Take a deep breath, and remember what the agency wants from an adoption reference letter. An adoption reference letter is a window into the prospective parents' lifestyle via an advocate.

Think of the reference letter as an exercise in describing your friend or relative to a stranger. (Which in a way that is exactly what you are doing!) On a more somber note, outline your responds on the same framework you would, if you were giving a letter of recommendation for a job, just make it more personal.

While you do not have to document the first time you two played hide and seek, you will want to establish upfront the length of time you have know the prospective parents. If you are only familiar with one parent, and it is a couple seeking adoption, be sure to indicate which parent you know best.

An adoption agency is trying to determine the best situation for each person involved in an adoption. They are usually very knowledgeable about each child's persona in their care, what they need are clues into the intended parents to make unions that will benefit all. Well though out reference letters help this process.

A good adoption reference letter will indicate whether you feel the applicant would be entrusted with the care of your own children, if you have children. If you have first hand knowledge of the applicant's parenting skills, you will want to add these comments as well. Short examples would be great, but not required.

Be honest in your letter. If you think your friends would make the perfect parents, say so, on the other hand, if you shudder at the thoughts of entrusting your goldfish into their care, you need to express that concern as well. Hopefully if you have a solid friendship the potential parent already knows your viewpoint on their parenting skills, or lack there of.

Being an adoption reference is not just a pep squad designation. You need to be truthful if you have reservations about the parenting skills of the applicant. Trust your instincts, if you have reservations, this will probably be echoed in other reference letters.

Overall, if you feel confident that the friend or relative could handle parenting responsibilities, keep the letter very upbeat. You do not need to disclose the fact that your cousin cried for a week after Brad Pitt married Jennifer Aniston (unless she was over the age of 15 at the time).

Proof read your letter to make sure you wrote what you meant to say. Sometimes it is best to let the letter mellow for a day, and then read it to be sure you have written the best appraisal you can. Then cross your fingers, and send it on. If you have been honest, that is all you can do.

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