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From my earliest memories, I knew I was adopted. And that is how I think it should be. The issue is not so much when to tell your child they are adopted, it is how to tell the child.

Adoption is just like childbirth, the complexity is too taxing for young minds, so age appropriate answers need to be employed. The "Where did I come from?" question that all children will ask should be answered honestly. But the answer should only be as complex as the child's age will allow. A parent would not break out a DNA chart to discuss childbirth with their three year old, so a parent explaining adoption should not go into great detail as to the reasoning behind giving a child up for adoptions in the early years. As with explaining the birth of a child, explaining the adoption of a child, to a toddler should emphasize the love the parent has for the child. In pre-school years affirmation of love is the main reason behind the first curious questions about their own origin.

As adoptees grow older, parents can supplement earlier adoption accounts with more information, as the child expands their quest. And parents should be forthcoming with any information they have about the birth parents, when these questions come up.

The worst thing an adoptive parent could do is keep the adoption secret until the adopted child becomes an adult. This scenario leaves the adult child with a feeling of loss. There is a loss of trust, and there is a loss of self-identity. When an adoption is not disclosed until adulthood, it leaves the adopted child with a feeling of shame, as if there was something that should have been hidden about themselves. Additionally, the revelation of the adoption also leaves the adult child with a slight distrust of their parents, if they withheld this information, what else are they holding back?

The issue of when to tell your child that he or she was adopted is usually just an issue when the child was adopted as a baby. Older children will have memories of their birth family, and may need their adoptive parent to explain why they have a new family; the age of the child should preordain the complexity of the answer.

Regardless of the events that lead to the child being adopted, an adoptee needs to know as early as they can comprehend adoption, that they were adopted. Open adoptions will almost always require this condition. Children in closed adoptions may not have to deal with an extended family, but being upfront about adoption as early as possible will always protect your child.

No one likes to find out others know something about themselves that they should know. Siblings and cousins can be very cruel, and any difference could be used under the guise of sibling rivalry, that is not how a child should find out they are adopted. Even comments by aunts and uncles could be misunderstood, if the adoptee is not aware of the adoption.

As an adoptee and a mother, I firmly believe that open communication is the key to successful parenting. I knew early on that I was adopted. I embrace the fact that I was "special", "chosen", and well loved. I think all children should know this feeling as soon as possible, and if the child is adopted, it should start on day one.

Learn more about this author, Anne Taylor.
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