by Kathy Philpott

Created on: April 25, 2009   Last Updated: April 26, 2009

My personal pain is mostly my doing. I am not being hard on myself; I just have difficulty exercising my faith. So much of my life has been spent in the mind set of making the best of bad situations. I was proud to be a survivor. Reflecting on my troubled past, being a survivor has been a journey on the same road to different trouble. Peace and happiness are road signs unfamiliar to me.

I used to think that endeavoring to think of others and praying for them was a good thing. When I get down on my knees and think about what I truly want or need, I'm stumped. This disconnection with the spirit of God that lives within me makes me repeat the past pain over and over again. The learning curve I have created is more like a circle. The process brings me to the same starting place over and over again.

"Just step out. Take my hand. I won't let you fall" he tells me.

I tell him I am afraid and I begin to sob deep, heavy sobs that paralyze me.

He continues to speak to me in soft, reassuring tones.

"It's OK to feel afraid. Just know that I love you and I won't let you fall".

I continue to clutch the side of the wooden boat. I look at him. I see the face of the one I have loved the most in my life. Like so many times before, he stands on the water waiting for me. I want to let go.

"Dear one," he continues, "we have been here before. It's just different circumstances. Take a deep breath and come to me. I know you feel alone and that is the pain you have always felt. I know you want desperately to believe. I am here for you now. I have always been with you. I loved you as a child. When your first baby was born and you were alone, I was close to you. When your father died and your heart was breaking, I was with you. Take my hand. Let me show you that the pain doesn't matter. This moment and this step is all that is important."

Through my tears I can see that his image is growing dim. I know I will drift away on this solitary little boat and lose sight of him. It's happened so many times before.

I want to let go and run into his arms. I can't go through this again. When will I truly believe?

"Please don't go. I'm coming. This time I will do it." I close my eyes and let go of the boat. I take a step into the darkness.

He takes my hand. I no longer feel alone. My pain subsides.

I feel loved. I feel at peace. This time I understand a little better.

The journey continues...until the next time.

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