by Karen Newkirk

Created on: April 24, 2009

I believe I went to my first funeral when I was 4 years old. My parents were not there, so to this day I'm not sure why I was. Maybe there was something important somebody else had to do and they figured, "oh just take her with you to the funeral, it's not big deal, she won't remember it." Well I remember it like it was yesterday. It was awful, there was screaming and crying and the graveyard (it was in the country, down south). To this day I can't stand funerals or being around the dead. It terrifies me. I've always thought I would grow out of it, but I haven't. In November a dear friend of ours dropped dead of a heart attack. Our kids spent time with him every Sunday after church as he and my husband worked together in the same ministry at our church. It was such a shock and so tragic. I was very concerned for my children because they loved him. They are 3 and 5 years old and my girlfriend insisted that I take them to the funeral or at least tell them that he was dead. I just didn't see the benefit for them.

I was in a quandary about what I would do when they asked about him and his wife (as she left the city immediately). I just didn't want them asking a bunch of questions that would be difficult for my husband and me to answer, not to mention I didn't know if they would be broken up or sad or what. My kids are very precocious and aware of everything and everybody. They know everybody's names and feel it's their duty to know what everybody is doing at all times. My girlfriend brought her kids to the funeral services, but they are 8 and 9 and she just couldn't understand why I didn't bring my kids. Well as it turns out it's been 5 months and my kids have not once asked about him. I feel like I made the right decision. It's amazing. They will see pictures of him and talk about him, but have not mentioned why they haven't seen him in a while, which it's rare for them not to ask about someone. Ultimately it's the parents' decision and I also think it depends on the child's relationship with the person.

Life is a part of death, but as the parent you have to make the decision as to when you want to teach your child that lesson. When kids are toddlers I don't think that's the time for them to carry such a big weight on their shoulders. Their minds process things very differently then ours do as adults. I know a child who could not sleep at night because she was afraid that her parents would die and not be alive in the morning when she woke up. That is not healthy and it's a worry they shouldn't have to carry around. Little kids aren't able to process that just because something happens to one person it doesn't mean it's going to happen to them. I am even careful about explaining to my kids that someone died because they were sick, because I know they will interpret this to mean that every time someone gets sick they will die. My daughter is often very sad for me because both of my "paw paws" are deceased. She's always asking questions about my grandfathers, both of whom have been deceased for years. The parents should know when their children are ready to deal with difficult subjects. As with everything else, you make the call...I'm just saying.

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