by Victoria Tiegert

Created on: April 23, 2009   Last Updated: March 15, 2012

Would you give your partner a second chance if he or she cheated? Would you be willing to put forth the work to rebuild the relationship? Would you walk away without a look back? Would you condemn them to the "once a cheater, always a cheater" box? There are many different ways to respond to the revelation that a person you love has committed the greatest betrayal and there are also many things to consider before making the decision of what your response will be.

One of the greatest mistakes a person can make is to react to an affair depending solely on their emotions. Those emotions will be primarily negative at that time, and they will be wounded, no longer whole and intact. Your confidence and sense of security will have been swayed, so to depend on it would be like depending on a water jug with holes in it to sustain your need for fluids. The water has been drained and it will not be of good use. This is the state that you are in emotionally when you find out about an affair, so don't jump the gun and try to decide everything that very day. Take a bit to make sure your decision is one based on the facts, in addition to your feelings.

There are people who cheat and deserve a second chance. There are also people who are willing and able to extend that second chance to them. There is a huge difference between the man or woman who is the typical philanderer and has no remorse for what they've done to their partner and themselves, and the person who makes an enormous mistake, but is truly sorry for what they've done and the effect it's had on other people. This person is also willing to do whatever it takes to get the marriage back on track and make up for whatever they can.

Being willing to give a person a second chance is not always enough, unfortunately. Getting over an affair takes hard work and endurance as well as a willingness to forgive and move forward. If the offended party is going to use the affair as a noose to hang their partner whenever they wish to, the marriage will not be able to heal and grow. The affair has hurt enough, there is no need to carry on the guilt and shame any longer. This will also extend the person's time of pain, as the one who was cheated on. There are some couples who would like to keep the relationship together, but find that it's just not possible to move forward from the betrayal. It is sad, but true.

An affair which is had by a person who is sincerely sorry is rarely only about themselves. It is typically a couple that has a problem. The relationship is in trouble prior to the affair and the indiscretion is merely a symptom of the real problem. This couple must be willing to take a step back and get to the root problem if they are to heal the marriage. If they aren't, the problem will resurface and they will end up in the same, or similar, circumstances once again.

Not all cheaters are people who will do it over and over. Not all will take a second chance and then ask for a third, and a fourth. There are some who will take the chance to build a better relationship than the one they had before and do all they can to relieve the hurt of their partner. These people, whether they "deserve" a second chance per se, can often be given one and never make the same error in judgment again. There are even couples who will say, after the healing is well on its way, that the affair brought to light problems that the marriage had and helped them to see their need to change things. It doesn't have to be the end; an affair can be just the beginning of a healthier, happier marriage.

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