by P. Payne

Created on: April 22, 2009

The journals are tucked away in the file cabinet, waiting for someone to read through them. Periodically, I come across one of them while looking for something else and fan the pages to see what I wrote in the middle of my pain.

The raw emotion of those years leaps from the page, and sometimes, tears roll down my cheek once again. All the love, pain, confusion, and heartache I could not vocalize is there on those pages. The pregnancy of a teenage daughter, divorce, attending college classes in my forties, and page after page about the saga of the love of my life; it's all there.

I wonder what I will do with these journals. I picture the scene from The Bridges of Madison County where the grown children read their mother's journal after her death and find they didn't really know much about her. I smile to myself, thinking my children will have the same experience if they should ever read what I have written.

Writing through those years probably saved my sanity. It was my therapy. Living on an extremely limited income while attending college, I also supported my pregnant teenage daughter and grandson. My sister had leukemia. I got a divorce. I met the man I would truly love, and eventually realized we would never be together permanently. I graduated college and got a job, working for a newspaper in a nearby town.

Friends get tired of listening to your problems, or get frustrated because they just don't know what to do to help. And even if they listen, it is many times difficult to put into words the conflict, pain, and confusion of whatever difficulty you are facing. With no money to spare, going for counseling is not always an option. Work and school do not comfort someone home alone.

Writing down what has happened and how you feel about it gets all that pent up emotion out of your head and in a place where you can see it. It allows you to go back another day and look at your situation. Sometimes, when rereading what you have written, you can gain a new perspective and see what you could do differently. Sometimes, you will laugh at the reaction you had to what now seems silly to be upset about. Or maybe you wrote how elated you were about a special accomplishment, the birth of a grandchild, and a special day with your family.

Taking time to write in a journal is a way to safely express those innermost feelings that you are afraid others might ridicule or trivialize. You are free to express your hopes, dreams, pain, sorrow and joy. It doesn't cost money. And if you save those journals, it is a way to look back on your life and be amazed and thankful to see how far you have traveled.

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