Tragic news of my husband's sudden and unexpected demise left me firstly in the stage of shock. The next stage was denial followed by anger and then intensive grief. I never thought this could happen to my husband as he was in his early thirties. I was fueled with anger asking the Lord Why is this happening to me? As there was no answer from above, I had no choice but to make peace with my unfortunate destiny.
I became saddened, my blood pressure increased, and I was unable to sleep. My heart ached with pain and only sedatives could help me but not for too long though. I felt physically tired and as if all the energy was simply drained out of me. I hid my grief from the girls as I did not want to break their young hearts. I wanted them to focus on their studies, work, and their futures.
My intensive grief soon turned into a long period of depression where I could not get out of bed for several days. But, when my two youngsters started crying around my bed, I had no choice but to get up and start a new page in life. To make matters worse, I was not employed at the time of my husband's death.
Six months passed before I received any financial assistance offered by my husband's firm. Thus, I had no income to live off except for little money I could earn selling groceries in the village. On the other hand, I had two young daughters that I wanted to set on the right path. This was the most trying time in my life both emotionally and physically. I had no choice but to assume financial responsibilities of a bread winner in the house even though I was struggling physically and emotionally as I was overwhelmed with pain.
To try and take the advantage of the situation, married men in the small village I live in, started approaching me and asking me for sexual favors. I refused their offers immediately with pride and confronted them directly in front of their wives. As soon as I lectured the first married man in the village, the other ones learned their lesson.
Dating married men was never in line with my standards plus I simply did not have the time for dating. I was determined at all cost to honor my husband by deciding not to date and marry again. Life was tough in the village and I was busy taking care of my girls. I did not want a stepfather to my children. I could never forget my deceased husband and yearned for him in my heart.
My girls and I were forced to start growing and selling crops in our yard as a way of making a living. I was determined to refocus the grief I felt over my husband's death to becoming and remaining financially independent as well as securing decent future for my girls. I did not want my girls to be labeled in a small village we live just because they were without a father.
My girls and I worked really hard in the yard. We had a cow and a calf as well as the chickens. I taught my girls early on about the values of honesty, hard work, and financial independence in life. The money we earned through our small business helped purchase school supplies and clothes for the girls.
We were hoping to slowly but surely get several more cows down the road. We hoped that we would gradually progress with our small family business. Yet, we were barely making it through especially in the beginning. However, I told my girls that nobody had to know whether we had to eat and what we had to eat. I guess I was too proud. I taught my girls from early on to never take family secrets out of home.
Even though my husband was not physically present with us, he served as an inspiration to us ever since his sudden and unexpected demise. I connected to my husband spiritually through prayers when searching for his guidance regarding the girls and their future. My daughters are happily married to nice guys and live nearby which makes me a proud Mom. I remain forever grateful to my husband for the land, house, and wonderful children he left me with.
I remain living in the country, growing crops, and selling crops even though I am much older now. I give thanks to my husband every day for the pension he left me with so I don't have to work as hard in the yard any longer as I did when I was younger. I still have a high blood pressure and other physical symptoms that remained with me since the day I lost my dear husband. I am still grieving and hurting as the emotional scars and wounds over my husband's death never healed and probably never will.
I still praise my husband for being my true friend and marriage partner when telling stories about him over coffee with my friends. I firmly believe that my husband is living in a better world and is smiling down at me from heaven. If I didn't think this way, I don't know how I would have managed to survive and get through in life as from what you can see I was not really an example of the destiny's favorite child.