2 of 29

Write now Article Tools

When I said, "Til death do us part" I didn't think that day would ever actually arrive. If anything, I was more concerned that my marriage would end in divorce like my last one had. We had our differences, true, but being best friends made our relationship an easy one. We really liked each other and enjoyed being together.

I was on my way home from a business trip, and had about five more hours of driving time when my cell phone rang. As I listened to my niece's hysterical voice on the other end of the phone I pulled onto the shoulder of the highway in disbelief. My husband of seven years was dead.

I thought I heard her wrong, but then a police officer got on the phone and calmly told me what had happened. I was stunned, and shaken to my very core. I assured the officer I was okay to keep driving and gave him my estimated time of arrival.

As I drove those five hours home, numbness enveloped me and I was more calm than I should have been, but I knew my instincts had kicked in and I had to get home quickly and safely.

There were four days of funeral rituals and ceremonies as required by his Native American customs and although I moved through them in a daze, the details still remain acutely clear to me to this very day. He was too young to die. Yes, he had been ill, but he was recovering and his prognosis for a full recovery was high. It just didn't make sense that the medicine that was supposed to help him had actually killed him.

I cried so much over those four days I thought I would never have tears to cry again. By the time the funeral rites ended, a fog had settled over me and left me paralyzed with pain. My doctor gave me a medical leave from work. I couldn't think. I couldn't move. I sat on my patio in the warm autumn sun day after day barely noticing the sun moving across the sky as the green leaves turned to amber. I had slipped into a deep depression and didn't even know it.

I probably would have sat in that chair on my patio until the snows buried me and froze me to death had it not been for the care and concern of family and friends. They stopped by over the next few weeks, talking quietly and sharing their memories of my husband with me. They were kind and reassuring. Some would sit quietly with me and never say a word, while others encouraged me to get back into a routine. "In time, you'll meet someone to love again," some softly said. I doubted it.

That old saying that time heals all wounds, is very true. As the weeks turned into months, I regained my ability to think clearly along with my energy. I returned to work but dreaded going home to an empty house each night. I began to take more work assignments that kept me busy travelling. I delved further into work and eased my way through the remaining grief. It took a long time for me to heal from that loss and even now, seven years later grief rears its ugly head from time to time and reduces me to tears.

I didn't want to start dating again. It terrified me. What if I found someone new to love and they died too? I knew I could not withstand that sort of loss again. It was better to avoid it all together, and so I worked longer hours and either ignored or declined the offers to lunch or dinner.

In hindsight, I feel bad that I treated those guys so rudely. I was not ready to talk about my loss or my broken heart and I certainly didn't want their pity so it was easier to build a wall around myself and just brush their invitations and advances to the side. They must have thought I was horrible!

I am fortunate. I have wonderful family and friends and even though they encouraged me to start dating again, they never pushed me. They knew me well enough to respect my need to get back into the dating game at my own pace.

It has been a lonely journey but one day during a long drive to a job, I knew I had to decide which I feared more; spending the rest of my life alone or taking a chance to love again. I realized that I am far too young to spend the rest of my life alone.

I had not socialized much since my husband died, and wondered if I would have the opportunity to meet anyone new. Regardless, it was time to let down my walls. It was amazing! As soon as I decided it was time to take a chance again, I started receiving offers for coffee dates and dinners.

The time came to conquer my fear and move to the next chapter of my life with optimism and hope! As though by some unseen force of energy, I was brought together with a very nice man. Fear of loosing him was the farthest thing from my mind when we gently shared our first kiss.

Learn more about this author, Tami Erickson.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.

Add your voice

Know something about Essay: Were you widowed when you were under the age of 40??
We want to hear your view. Write now!