by Pam Boyd

Created on: April 21, 2009   Last Updated: June 29, 2009

You've dated a lot. And the last time that you were set up with someone, or had a "Match date," you were hoping that the mystery person would finally be the right person and that you wouldn't have to date anymore. And you were probably hoping that this date would really see you for who you really were; that they would appreciate your good qualities, and unselfishly give you their attention. You may have been hoping that they would not be like the last person you dated or with whom you had a relationship.

Face it: these really present people are difficult to find. And while waiting to stumble upon one, you've probably been busy trying to protect yourself from all the other self-absorbed, negative, boring, tedious, and selfish people out there.

So how do you avoid wasting your time with these kinds of people without shutting down?

The answer may surprise you.

Quit judging. Start delighting. Stop sizing-up everyone you meet. Instead, start really seeing people and appreciating everyone for who they are.

Now you're thinking, well, isn't that sweet and theoretical. Of course she can't possibly mean I'm supposed to apply this to people I might date! If I don't size people up, how will I know who to avoid, or who I want to pursue? Won't I set myself up for more trouble or disappointment if I don't carefully analyze my options and possibilities?

These questions imply the existence of the omnipotent list. Whether yours is a mental list or explicitly written out like a grocery list, the list is what we have decided is our minimum acceptable standard and, by golly, this list has power! We're not going to settle for anything less this time! That list is also omnipresent. It goes with us everywhere, on the airplane, to the grocery store, to get gas, to the cleaners, wherever people are, we've got the list.

So, in order to address this legitimate question of how to practically "quit judging and start delighting", I'm got to tell you about an illuminating experience I recently had at a party where the conversation turned to the topic of dating. All of the women with me in the conversation expressed dissatisfaction with "the dating scene". One middle-aged woman even went as far to encourage the young woman in the group not to date in order to avoid all the losers and jerks she was sure to encounter out there. I was silent during her man-bashing, until she turned to me and said, "Come on! You're not saying

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