by Marea E. Johnson

Created on: April 21, 2009   Last Updated: July 01, 2011

Few things in life are more difficult than trying to break the cycle of abuse in families. Typically, these behaviors have been going on for several generations, and with most family members "sweeping everything under the rug", the chances of breaking the cycle once and for all can look pretty dismal. That being said, it IS something that can realistically be done if family members can be brave enough to admit the truth, stop making excuses for the abusers, and take deliberate steps to ensure they do not repeat the same behaviors.

Because most episodes of abuse occur under highly stressful situations, one of the first issues that needs to be addressed is the way in which the abuser handles the various stressors in life. Oftentimes, most abusers have very poor communication skills. This, combined with a lack of patience and self-control, can, and does, lead to the inappropriate venting of feelings on those closest to the abuser, such as the spouse, or the children.

Typically, when confronted with their behavior, most abusers will try to justify it, excuse it, or more commonly, flat out deny it. This is a huge hurdle that needs to be overcome before any real and lasting change can take place. That is not to say that other members of the family cannot seek help, because they certainly can and should, but it just makes change in the family dynamic that much more difficult when the abuser refuses to cooperate.

One of the best ways to begin breaking the cycle of abuse is in the form of an intervention, where family members and others who care arrange a meeting with a counselor to confront the abuser. Each member of the family will have a chance to express their feelings to the abuser, and ask that he/she receive the help being offered. After each member expresses their feelings, the counselor will then describe to the abuser the type of help (counseling) being offered, when, and where, and for how long, and then it will be up to the individual to either accept or decline the help. If they decline, life as they know it, will no longer continue, as the other members of the family will no longer be accepting the abuse and will move on without the person.

Hopefully, the abuser will accept the help and enter into a program where the "self" can be examined, and new ways of coping taught. More often than not, the abuser will have been a victim of abuse themselves. Whether it be as a child, adult, or very often, both, they will need to address the hurt, anger, resentment, and confusion that abuse leaves in its wake.

In the meantime, it is imperative that other members of the family receive counseling as well, from a therapist who specializes in abuse within families and the long-term effects it has on the body, mind, and soul of its victims. This is actually the most difficult part of the therapeutic process; trying to salvage the "personhood" and self-integrity that has for so long, been denied them. Learning to love oneself after years of systematic abuse from those who profess to "love us", is quite literally, a life-long endeavor.

None of us can help the hand that life has dealt us, and being a victim of abuse is in no way our fault, but we do need to make the best of what we've been dealt, to ensure that we not only go on to live the rest of our lives with love, joy, peace, and contentment, but that the next generation of our family goes on to live that kind of life as well. There is no greater gift we could possibly leave them.

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