by Tami Erickson

Created on: April 21, 2009

There simply is no way to know what a person is going through immediately following the death of a loved one. There are too many variables involved; the dynamics of their relationship with that person, their spirituality, their religious background, their upbringing and the circumstances of the death.

While some of us have said too many good-byes to loved ones over the years, there are many who have never been touched closely by death before. In any circumstance, supporting someone while they mourn a death is difficult.

What do you say? What do you do? How should you act? Most often it will depend on the mourner's culture and religion, but it will also depend on how close you are to the person who is in mourning. If you are a family member or close friend, your support may be much different than if you are a neighbor or co-worker.

Regardless of your relationship with the person in mourning, it is always helpful to simply tell them you are there for whatever they might need. Most of us are familiar with the appropriate traditional manners of support; cards, flowers, casseroles and offers to assist with household chores or babysitting. These are all good forms of support but usually only administered during the first few days following a death.

However, in reality, grief and mourning doesn't end with the funeral rites and it's those days that follow when everyone else has gone back to their normal lives that support for someone can be paramount. We each grieve differently and the length of time we mourn cannot be calculated, but we do all heal with time.

A dear friend of mine lost her three precious little daughters in a tragic accident. Everyone was at a loss of how to help her as she sat in the depths of her despair. They did all the usual things, but eventually they too stopped coming by and some people even avoided her. The funeral was over and they were at a loss of what to say to her.

It was several weeks after her children's deaths that we were having coffee and chatting. I lovingly mentioned one of her girls in an anecdotal way. My friend burst into tears and I was terrified that I had opened her wounds again. Before I had a chance to apologize, she smiled through her tears and thanked me for remembering them.

I had learned an important lesson about dying and grieving from my mother and it was reinforced that day with my friend. I had been raised to accept death as just another part of life and despite our pain of having to say good-bye my mother always told me it was important to remember our loved ones.

She taught me this wisdom through her examples. My maternal grandmother passed away a year before I was born and yet I felt I knew her better than my paternal grandmother who died when I was a teenager. This was because my mom kept her memory alive with photos and stories. Through the years I, too found that remembering my loved ones was analgesic to my soul and eased the pain. Many years later I ran across a Tuscarora proverb that said it best," They are not dead who live in the hearts they leave behind."

So after you have gone back to your daily routines, remember that the life of the person who recently lost a loved one has been changed forever. Don't be afraid to continue to reach out, to offer a shoulder to cry on, or a helping hand, but most importantly, don't be afraid to remember and honor their loved one. It may bring back tears, but for most, they will be tears of gratitude that you have not forgotten too quickly the person they still love and miss.

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