by Deborah Nies

Created on: April 20, 2009

It Does Take a Village

"You are a good mom."

A few weeks after my Step Mom told me the above statement, I still find myself contemplating it.

I do believe that I am a good Mom...I just wonder HOW I got to be one. I certainly did not learn it at my own birth mother's knee. For that is how I think of her - the woman who gave birth to me. She was too young and selfish to know how to "mother" used here as a verb.

I was lucky enough to live on my Grandparent's farm and be raised with my aunts and uncle until the age of 10. My Grandma, Lillian, who I referred to as "Mom" just like her children did, loved me completely and unconditionally...and she still does.

After we moved off of the farm, I started my own search for loving mother figures. I was fortunate to find three different adopted moms, who nurtured me and loved me through the difficult teen years. I found them at the church that I belonged to, and they gave me what I was longing for at home. They spent time with me and made me feel special. They fit my image of what I thought a mother should be. When I remember this time and these special giving women, I think of the following quote:

"One hundred years from now, it will not matter what my bank account was, how big my house was, or what kind of car I drove. But the world may be a little better, because I was important in the life of a child."

Each of these women, were so important to me as a child. Research has shown that every child needs and should have at least one caring adult in their lives. It doesn't have to be a biological parent or relative...just someone who treats them as if they are the most important person in the world. Really, these women probably saved my life, or at the very least, made it so much better. Their influence continues on in my life today.

When I look at my daughter, I know that I would be crushed if she had to seek out other caring adults for love. I would question myself to find out how was I failing her. I would examine why she felt the need to look for mothering from someone else. With my birth mother, I think that she probably experienced a sense of relief that I was off her hands during those times away with my adopted "moms." As an adult, I try to take the high road and say, "She did the best that she could." My child's heart still whispers, "That's not good enough."

When I was pregnant with my daughter, I knew what kind of Mom that I wanted to be to her. I just wondered if I would be able to give her the love, affection and attention

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