Parent Traps...You Get What You Accept
The boss at my first real job was a very wise woman. Whenever I'd march into her office to vent about this or that, she'd usually dispense five little words and send me on my way. "You get what you accept," she was fond of saying. Translation: if you don't like something, don't accept that's the way it has to be. Words true for the job, true for parents.
Take a moment and evaluate what you accept and tolerate from your children. Do you accept your toddler not sharing his toys or hitting others during playtime? Do you accept your child constantly breaking therules at home and at school? Do you accept your teenager ignoring curfew or hanging out with the wrong group? Do you accept your child making Cs when you know darn well he or she is capable of making As and Bs? You get the idea.
Be honest with yourself. You could be accepting things from your kids that you know you shouldn't. This goes beyond the occasional times when you let things slide for one reason or another. We're all guilty of that. However, if you regularly accept meanness, shouting matches, rule breaking, snarky attitudes, disrespect, poor grades and other such nonsense from your child, and, worse, let them get away with it without consequences, then that's exactly the types of problematic behavior you're going to get. Continue allowing such behavior to go unchallenged and unabated, and your kids and teens will only feel more justified and emboldened going forward. They will continue to talk back, act out or disobey because they know they can get away with it. And not just at home, but most likely at school, too.
But children aren't the real problem here. As their parent or guardian, you are the problem. Why blame you? Because parents who constantly ignore and excuse bad behavior choose to accept it rather than alter it. Idle threats ("you're going to be so grounded!") and stall tactics ("if you do that one more time...") aren't part of the solution. They're a big part of the problem. See, real change comes when you decide enough is enough. Bottom line, the bad behavior isn't going to stop until you stop accepting it. So how do you do it?
As a parent, it's your job to demand and expect the best from your child in all sectors of their lifeat home, at school, at play. We all know kids are kids and that they won't always offer up their best to you, their teachers or their friends. So when your kids fall short of your expectations, you have to challenge them on it and don't let them get away with it. It's up to the both of you, Mom and Dad solidly united, to establish authority and create boundaries so your kids know unequivocally what you will and will not accept from them.
It's not wishful thinking. Life can be like this in your home. And it doesn't take lots of lofty ideals or soaring rhetoric to make it happen. If you're not getting the kind of behaviors you want to accept, then simply change how you react to situations with your kids. Re-establish your role and control as parent and make sure your spouse is on the same page. Lay down firm rules and consequences and the two of you stick with it. You're solidly united now (no more dividing and conquering by the kiddies allowed!). Refuse to accept anything you think is inappropriate and confront that which is unacceptable to you by explaining to your kids why such words, actions or attitudes won't fly in your house or at school. Don't lower the bar for your children because you're too tired to deal with it, don't want to argue about it or feel guilty. And don't chalk it up to "they're just at that age." Society doesn't need any more wimpy parents or guilt-ridden guardians. Raise your expectations and give your kids something worthy to aspire to.
When kids grow up, they're highly unlikely to admire or appreciate a parent for being too passive or too lenient. Well-mannered and productive adults aren't likely the ones giving Mom or Dad a hug and saying things like, "Thanks for letting me stay out all night and party with my friends," "Thanks for not making me study so I could get straight Ds all through high school," or "Thanks for letting me bite all my friends when I was two." Lessons in discipline, respect and integrity reinforced in young minds have positive and influential value throughout life.
I'm not here to tell you how to raise your kids. That's your job. But, if you're really tired of accepting things you don't want to accept anymore, stop being an enabler or excuse-maker for all the things your child does that don't meet your "acceptations." Demand and accept only a higher standard of personal accountability and responsibility from them and stand by it every day without wavering even when kids beg, bargain, whine or try to lay a major guilt trip on you. And trust me, they will.
Getting what you accept from your child is whatever you make it, good or bad. I realize kids can be defiant, determined and downright stubborn sometimes. Even the best behaved of the lot can test your patience, your resolve and your resiliency. But the tough loving parent knows you can't always take the easy route even when it's way easier and less confrontational to do so. Because tough loving parents consistently demand civility, respect and honesty from their children, they're not likely to be considered the coolest, the most admired, or even the most liked. They are, however, often the ones whose kids grow up with a stronger sense of confidence, self-esteem and purpose. And that's something all parents will happily accept.