High divorce rates, remarriages, and children from previous unions where parents were not married, there are a number of blended families in today's society. Blended families come in all different sizes and often feature different kinds of members. However, no matter what form a blended family takes, there are a number of challenges that they will inevitably have to face. Fortunately, however, blended families can work towards overcoming these challenges and ultimately find peace, happiness, and balance in their family's life.
Parent vs. Parent
One of the greatest challenges faced by blended families can be unresolved conflict between the now separated biological parents. Regardless of what happened between you and your ex, you both need to get closure on your relationship so that you can effectively focus your attention on the children that you share. While your romantic relationship may have ended, you are still tied to one another as parents and as a result, you both need to be in accordance when it comes to issues that effect your children.
Kids whose parents are divorced or separated can sometimes try to manipulate situations. If parents are in constant conflict, this manipulation is made easier for the child, who can pit one parent against the other. For this reason, it is crucial that you and your ex present a unified front when it comes to raising your children.
Although you don't necessarily have to be "best friends" with your ex, you do have to have a civil relationship so that you can both parent effectively. Set aside your differences and work together to overcome challenges and conflicts that may present themselves.
Ideally, exes with children will have a discussion about how to co-parent even though they are no longer together. Throughout this discussion, exes should negotiate what rules and standards they will demand that their children live by. Having this conversation will save you two the trouble of dealing with a manipulative child who says, "well Dad says it is okay for me to stay up until midnight" when Mom says bedtime is 10pm sharp, essentially allowing you two to present a united front. Compromise, agree on a bedtime somewhere in the middle and enforce it in BOTH homes. Not only will this present a united front for your child, it will also provide more structure and stability, regardless of which home he or she is in at any given time.
Avoid intensifying conflict between you and your ex by asking for what you want or need directly. For example, if you are irritated because you have found out that your children are being allowed to play violent video games at your ex's home, you need to calmly discuss the issue with him or her. Let your ex know what you think and feel about the situation and listen to their thoughts and feelings in return. Once you both understand each other's points of view, you may find it easier to compromise in an effort to reach a common goal.
Keep in mind, however, that these conversations should be held in private and without the tension of an already present debate. In other words, talk about these rules before either of you becomes angry because the rules at your house are being "broken" when your child is at your ex's house. Talk about these issues when you are both calm and when you can discuss your respective perspectives rationally.
Biological Parent vs. New Spouse
When individuals with children from a previous relationship marry individuals who do not have children of their own, it is crucial that both parties know and understand each other's expectations concerning the new spouse's role in disciplining, supervising, and offering advice to stepchildren. Once the new spouse understands what the biological parents expects from them concerning these issues, he or she can begin to determine what overall role he/she will play in the child's life.
If the new spouse is coming into the blended family without children, it is important that he or she understand that as a stepparent who may not be disciplining the children directly, he or she still must support the biological parent's decisions when it comes to discipline and other issues. Stepparents may want to assume the role of ally to their stepchildren, but they should still support and uphold the biological parent's rules and standards.
If your new spouse has children from a previous relationship, it is important that you understand that another challenge presented to blended families is how an individual and his or her new spouse will compromise about certain issues when they have been raising their respective families in different ways. In order to combat this challenge, it is crucial that you and your new spouse understand that if you are coming together as a new family, then you will have to compromise and adjust to new rules that work for both of you.
Sit down with your new spouse and discuss how he or she disciplines his/her kids and how you discipline yours. As a newly blended family, you both need to be aware of each other's views on discipline and punishment so that you can support each other's rules and present a united front for the children. New stepparents should not just assume that the disciplinary techniques that he or she had in place for his/her children will be appropriate or effective for his/her stepchildren. The discussion between biological parents and their new spouses should address the rules that existed before the blending of their individual families so that the "new" rules of the blended family can reflect some of these principles and so that children are not confused or bombarded with new guidelines.
Again, just be sure that your conversations about these delicate family issues are held outside of an existing conflict so that you are rational, calm, and more open to compromise.
Exes vs. Stepparents
When a new spouse comes into the picture, it is crucial that exes have another conversation about the nature of the new, blended family and include the new stepparent in the discussion. All parties involved should understand each other's expectations and their own respective roles in the lives of their shared children.
Stepparents should work hard to ensure biological parents and exes that they will adhere to the rules and guidelines that the biological parents have decided upon. Once the stepparents and exes are on the same page about what the stepparent's role should be, then he or she can work towards defining that role.
In addition, keep in mind that if tensions exist between exes and stepparents, children are likely to pick up on these negative vibes and act out, usually towards their stepparents. Both exes and stepparents should work hard to maintain a civil relationship with one another, regardless of past histories or differences in personality. Furthermore, exes should keep in mind that a stepparent can play a valuable role in a child's life (and in their own lives by extension) by providing additional help in terms of supervision, handling disciplinary issues, or offering guidance.
Stepparents vs. Self
Ultimately, stepparents will decide to what degree they will become in involved in their stepchildren's lives. If you only want a civil (but emotionally distant) relationship, then that is your choice. But, if you want to establish a close relationship with your stepchildren, then you will have to actively work towards defining your role in their lives.
In most cases, stepparents will not try to "replace" an existing biological parent. Instead, they will simply try to become a "friend" to their stepchild and offer guidance or advice when requested or when they deem it necessary.
However, be sure that you maintain realistic expectations when it comes to your desired level of closeness with your stepchildren. Developing a bond may take a considerable amount of time and, moreover, it may take more time for some than others. For some families, children may never experience an intimate relationship with a stepparent, keeping them at a distance forever. Be patient with your stepchild and, perhaps, he or she will eventually come around.
Biological Parents vs. Biological Children
Another common issue in blended families is that biological parents find their children becoming emotionally distant as a result of their decision to remarry. Some kids demonstrate anger or resentment towards the remarried parent. Other children will ignore or outright disrespect the new stepparent. Parents should take the time to explain their decisions to their children regarding marriage and/or remarriage. Ask your children for their support in your decisions, but let them know that while you would appreciate the support, as an adult, you do not require it.
However, it is the responsibility of the biological parent to take the necessary measures to ensure that their new spouses are integrated into their existing family unit. They need to be sure that their children respect their new stepparent, not only as a new member of the family, but also as an adult and as an authority figure in the home. Explain that if your children support and respect you, they should support and respect the relationship you have with your new spouse.
Stepparents vs. Stepchildren
Unless a stepparent is added to a family when children are young, it will most likely be difficult for him or her to discipline the spouse's children. However, the stepparent should still be sure to support and maintain the rules set forth by the biological parents. Alternatively, a stepparent should ensure that he or she is following the guidelines that he/she negotiated with his/her partner regarding the "new" rules for their newly blended family.
Further, children should respect their stepparents simply because of the fact that they are adults, they are members of the family, and they are an authority figure within the household.
That being said, much of the tension between stepparents and stepchildren can be eased if the stepparent takes adequate measures to remind the child that he or she is in no way attempting to replace the biological parent. In fact, the stepparent should support the child's relationship with both his or her biological parents. Stepparents should be sure that their stepchildren still have the ability to spend time alone and connect with the biological parents that live within the home. They should also encourage and support the child's relationship with the biological parent living outside the home.
If you want to establish a relationship with your stepchildren, be sure that you spend time with them alone as well, without your spouse. This time alone can allow you two to develop a bond through shared experiences that do not include the child's biological parent.
Children vs. Children
When it comes to biological siblings, most people are aware of a phenomenon known as "sibling rivalry" where siblings are in constant competition with one another, generally for a parent's attention. This phenomenon can be further magnified between children and their stepsiblings.
When children from two different relationships come together under one roof, it is crucial that biological parents and stepparents work together to ensure that no one is receiving preferential treatment. If everyone is treated by the same standards, then jealousy or competition can be eliminated.
In conclusion, it is clear that blended families face a number of challenges. Fortunately, however, these challenges can be overcome. If blended families work hard and create teamwork between the various members of the family, they are much more likely to be able to overcome the challenges they face.