by Jessyca T

Created on: April 19, 2009

The first step in learning to speak Canadian is making the all important decision: French, or English?

I can hear eyebrows raising in surprise.

''What? Make a choice between French and English? But isn't Canada a bilingual country? Doesn't speaking Canadian include both official languages''

The answer is no, it doesn't. Not really. Canada's official standards for bilingualism should not be confused with those of countries where a majority of the people actually do communicate well in more than one language. Look for an English or French Canadian and you'll most likely find a monolingual with a thick accent and horrible intonation when forced to use the second language they hated learning in elementary school.

While being comfortable reading the backs of French/English cereal boxes and shampoo labels is not a typically accepted measure of bilingualism, it's the only language outcome a Canadian upbringing guarantees.

English monolinguals may not even realize they can't speak French. While their tongues and brains struggle to assure you they're fluent, they produce sentences like ''oui, je parles very bien le Francais. Fluentement merci.'' The French ones are more likely to actually be bilingual, though also more likely to deny it and scowl at you rather than use their English in public.

With the context in mind, if you choose to speak Canadian through the French medium, there are a few things you need to know to blend in.

The ability to simultaneously look down at English slang while using it in 75% of your sentences is the most common marker of francophone faux-bilingualism and should be the first skill you learn. If you want to really be taken seriously, you'll need to cultivate a serious dislike of all things Ontarien, or Anglo-Ontarien. You'll also have to learn to sing along to popular English songs on the radio without worrying about the meaning. This is interchangeable with throwing English quotes into conversations out of context and rolling your eyes. Most importantly, you have to say ''hein'' not, ''eh'', and pretend to love rabbit pie even if you've never eaten it. If you don't, you'll never fool anyone, no matter how good your accent gets.

You might choose to learn Canadian English at the same time, or instead of, French. As a mid-level Anglophone faux-bilingual, I can offer you some help here.

To be considered for membership to the club, you will need to be able to give cooking directions after taking only a cursory glance at the French side and count to

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