by Victoria Tiegert

Created on: April 18, 2009

When one partner in a marriage cheats, there is utter devastation for at least one of them. Often, whether we realize it or not, the devastation extends to both of them. Guilt and shame eats away at the offender while pain and heartache floods the other. Between these two things, it can be difficult to save the marriage, but that doesn't mean that it's impossible or even that it shouldn't be done. Marriage is a commitment, for better or worse, and this is about as "worse" as it gets. If there is true regret from the cheater and a willingness to forgive from the scorned party, there is hope.

Often, a couple will be faced with infidelity and jump the gun into divorce court. They don't spend time thinking about that lifelong decision, but run towards it with reckless abandon before they have to face up to what has happened with real thought and understanding. I am not implying that there is ever an excuse to be unfaithful to a spouse, but there are reasons that it happens. If you can identify them and are willing to work together on resolving them, your marriage may very well be salvageable.

Although the offended party should never take on full responsibility for their partner's decision to go outside of the confines of the marriage, he or she can certainly take a good, honest look at their own actions and see if they may have been neglectful of some needs that their spouse had. An affair is typically an indicator of another disease that is eating up the relationship, rather than being the disease itself. Was a door left open far enough for someone else to step through?

If you still care for and love the person who cheated, you can get through this time and move forward. Often, because the affair forces the husband and wife to confront that there is a problem, the marriage can grown stronger and healthier than it was before the affair. The first step is forgiveness. Now, this doesn't mean that you forget. You probably wish you could, but that's just not the way it works. It does mean that you are willing to let go of the bitterness and avoid throwing it in your spouse's face constantly. You are agreeing, in your forgiveness, to spend your time and energy repairing the marriage, rather than tearing down the cheater.

Marriage counseling will almost always be necessary to truly heal the damage done by the betrayal of the indiscretion. There is so much pain and anger to look through that healing alone is challenging at best. Because there were problems in the marriage

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