by Rana Williamson

Created on: April 18, 2009

We all know at least one. An emotional vampire. The unrelentingly negative person we just hate to see coming because all they do is carp and complain. Unfortunately, we are often related to these people or work with them. Sometimes, they are our friends who have allowed themselves to be sucked into an emotional black hole. In dealing with a negative person:

- Try to understand the root of the negativity.

Sometimes simply getting to the source of the other person's negativity helps you to deal with their bad behavior. People who are trapped in jobs they hate, who have bad marriages, or who feel powerless and see manipulation as their only means of getting what they want, are often chronic complainers. The degree of a person's negativity may say as much or more about their situation as their essential character. Especially if the complainer is a friend going through a rough time, understanding the root of the negativity may give you the necessary insight to help them see what they are doing to themselves and to others.

- Practice detachment followed by a countering strategy.

Mentally distance yourself from the negative tirade and let it play out without getting caught up in the flood of emotion. When the other person has finished their story or had their say, smile and ask them to tell a positive story or to find one good thing that happened to them today. Be forewarned, your question may offend the complainer, but ignore that as well. If they can't get the conversation on a better track, feel free to excuse yourself. Generally even chronic complainers figure out after a few playbacks of this scenario that you don't want to hear their negative talk.

- When you can't escape, practice self-insulation.

All too often, there is no escape from the negative individual. This is particularly true of elders for whom you may be caring or whom you encounter in a social setting, such as church. It sometimes seems that old people are among this world's worst complainers. Maybe they're bitter and angry over a loss of independence or a sense of isolation, or maybe they constantly carp about "the way things used to be." When you are with a complainer you don't want to hurt or to embarrass, find ways to insulate yourself from their negativity. For instance, image a gentle breeze in the room, catching and carrying away the complaints as soon as they fall from the complainer's lips. In this scenario, you are giving them the gift of your patience and tolerance whether the complainer realizes it or not.

- When necessary, confront.

In some environments, like a work setting where you are the supervisor and the complainer a subordinate or team member, confrontation becomes inevitable. When another person's negativity is pulling down the whole office environment or harming the team effort, speak with the person in private. Acknowledge that you appreciate whatever is going on in their lives that engenders their attitude, but explain that it is hurting the team and you need for them to make an effort while at work to curb their complaints and negative demeanor.

Under no circumstances should you assume responsibility for another person's negativity. We have all had disappointments, set backs, and losses in life. Those hurts do not give us a license to hang black crepe and suck the emotional life out of our friends, family, and co-workers. You can empathize with someone who is unrelentingly negative, but it is not your responsibility to fix them. All you can do is protect yourself against their bad energy.

Learn more about this author, Rana Williamson.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.