by Charlene Follis

Created on: April 18, 2009

April 15th 2009

The dreaded IRS tax deadline day! This is a date no one likes and now it is the date of my beloved mother's passing. I knew it was coming because she had been hospitalized for about 2 months prior fighting to live in the last stage of Multiple Myeloma. She died without any family members present at her bedside because we were all either on our way to visit or getting ready to come visit. The care facility had nurses and assistants present to let us know she died peacefully in her sleep at 8:35 A.M.

I rushed to see my mothers' lifeless body. I had to say goodbye to her because she had chosen to have her body cremated. I was angry with this decision because I now have no grave to visit and reflect our memories together.

I was the oldest child of 4 children. The first daughter and she always said her guinea pig. I sometime resented her strict guidelines but now I see that this was the best for me! I did my share of rebellion and now I just wish I could have been a more respectful teenager.

The sadness I feel is compared to no other I have felt. I have experienced sadness through the dissolution of two marriages and the loss of grandparents but nothing compares to this feeling. I have faith in Jesus and I definitely know that Mom is in a better place but it is my selfishness that allows me to feel this grief. No one else will want to hear my daily events...my triumphs, my failures, my fears and my excitement. I still have my father who is very comforting to me and is truly interested in my life but he doesn't usually call me to just to call me.

As I write this, tears are falling down my face and I know that I must be the one to comfort myself. I have to focus on the life my mother lead and strive to achieve the goals I have set in my life knowing this would make her happy.

I am also trying to help my siblings and children deal with their grief. I think that her passing will hopefully bring us closer together. With grief, there are many stages: Sadness, Anger, Shock and many more emotions to come. It seems like it would be easier to deal with death when you know that someone has an incurable form of cancer. It is not easier for me. The sadness has been drawn out for five long years and it will continue until I leave this earth and hopefully join her in heaven.

Listening to music when I feel low is very uplifting since my mom was a talented singer and it is like she is here with me when the music is playing. Watching certain TV shows and watching Tennis and Golf will also make me feel comforted because she enjoyed these activities.

I must learn to appreciate all of her gifts and try to live my life with joy and love to honor my mother's life.

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