by Rick Bavera

Created on: April 18, 2009

Listening is a skill that is one of the most important parts of communication. It is as important to be a good listener yourself as it is to be in a conversation with a good listener. If you have someone in your life who is a good listener, or if you are a good listener yourself, you have a real blessing in your life. Good listening is a rare and valuable gift.

There are some traits, some signs, that are evident in a person who is a good listener. They are things that we can work on in order to develop our listening skills and be good listeners as well.

Among them are the following:

1. A good listener keeps fairly constant and consistent eye contact with the speaker. He or she will only look away occasionally to help prevent feelings of awkwardness or a feeling of "staring."

2. A good listener nods, smiles or gives little comments that give you some feedback and are reassurances that he or she is focused and listening to what you are saying. Comments such as "Yes, I see," or "I understand" or "I don't understand" (in order to get you to explain in more detail).

3. A good listener expands on his or her comments in order to encourage you in your story. Short comments such as "That's interesting, can you tell me more?" will be used.

4. A good listener repeats back to you some of what you have told him or her, in order to reassure you in the fact that he or she is listening and understanding what you are telling him or her. It could be a word for word quote, or a rewording to express understanding, and to clarify.

5. A good listener finishes your sentence rarely, but only as a means of showing attention and understanding, not as a way to rush your story.

6. A good listener follows what my grandfather used to say about the art of conversation: "God gave us two ears and one mouth for a reason. We should be listening twice as much as we should be talking." That is especially true when a speaker has something to say that they consider important.

7. A good listener keeps the focus on the subject you are talking about. He or she will not try to get things "off subject," but will, when speaking, make appropriate comments that are "on topic." Once the subject is finished to your satisfaction, it is then okay to move on to another topic.

8. A good listener asks you questions that encourage you to give more information. The questions will be "open-ended" questions. That is, they will not be simple yes or no questions, but ones that will require you to be thoughtful and give details.

9. A good listener empathizes with you. His or her comments as to emotions will be right on the mark, or very close. You can hear the sympathy in the words and the voice used. You can see the sympathy in his or her eyes. The two of you have connected.

Will a good listener be perfect all the time? No, of course not. Your friend the good listener is human, too, and will need someone to listen to him or her, as well. They will have "off days" or "misreads" of a conversation, or will be distracted. That is when your good listening skills should kick in and you can return the favor.

Let your friends know you appreciate what is done for you, by doing it yourself for them, and by actually thanking them, too.

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