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What is all that white stuff?

Removing snow is easy! Here are age old methods for removing the snow from your property:

1. Find the time to get married. Make love and have children. Once the child is at least two years old, put a shovel in his or her hands. (I say her because we have this desire to be equal with the opposite sex.) Make the child do the work. Keep them working out there. Whether your driveway is 25 feet long or a quarter of a mile keep them working. Ten degrees below zero or two feet of snow doesn't matter. It builds character and besides, it will give them something to talk about when they are older.

2. Buy your house in a neighborhood with lots of teenagers. Hire them to remove your snow. I know most of them are lazy, good for nothings just occupying space, but you might be able to find the right one and get your snow removed. Bonus it will be fun watching them try to remove their phones that are frozen to their hands.

3. Call your Dad. That is what I have done. He has a snowplow and I let him take care of it. This takes care of many things. It shows him that you are thinking about him. It also shows him that you want to spend time with him. Do this by making coffee for him and actually ride with him when he is plowing. It will bring a tear to his eyes and he will remember these precious moments when he is writing his will.

4. Hire some electricians and have them install a "heated driveway". I know this will be expensive, but think of the money you will save by not having to hire your neighborhood kid to do it.

5. Buy a snow blower. I know, this involves you actually going outside and working in the cold, but you will get it done much faster. And besides, it really is fun to watch the snow blow, right? Also, who cares that it will enlarge your carbon footprint? I mean after all, it can't be all that hot if you are removing the SNOW!

6. Don't shovel it. You not only have to not possibly hurt yourself, but this creates a great excuse for not going to work. Just tell your boss that your car is frozen to the driveway and I am sure he will understand. Now keep in mind that this may be dangerous in another way. It may turn into a sheet of ice and you may end up getting sued by the postman who slipped while delivering a special package, but that is okay.

7. Move into an apartment. You will never have to remove snow again if you follow this step. Duh! This one is pretty simple to do, plus you will no longer have to worry about mowing your lawn.

8. Finally, move to Florida. Sure it will be hotter than Texas but you won't have snow! Don't worry about the alligators, snakes, spiders, and hurricanes, and tourists. Don't worry about Mickey Mouse and the space shuttle. Just remember that you will not have to shovel snow.

Remember, snow shoveling is not for everyone which may include you. Follow the tips above and you should be just fine.

Learn more about this author, B Smith.
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