by RebeccaLynn

Created on: January 30, 2007   Last Updated: April 23, 2007

Speaking from my own experience and quite possibly those of many others. I have come to understand that the single biggest communication disaster in marriage can easily be avoided if each person learns to listen to what the other is saying.
When in a conversation or especially a disagreement most of us are only listening to bits and pieces of what our spouses have to say. Instead, we are busy forming in our own minds what it is that we want to say next rather than really hearing what is being said to us. As a result, we end up misunderstanding what the conversation is really about and jumping to conclusions because we have only heard the key words that were spoken.

It was only after several of these miscommunications that sometimes led to major arguments did I begin to realize the problem. Too many times,my husband or I would end up yelling "That is NOT what I said!" Even though "that" is what we thought we had heard.
I began to close my mouth and open my ears and what a huge difference it made!
When my husband began to notice that I was truly listening to him and thinking before I spoke, he began to do the same for me when I had something to say.
The second biggest communication disaster for us came in the differences of men and women.
When a man has a problem that he can not solve on his own, he will generally not come to his wife and say "Can I ask your advice?" I have discovered with my husband that if he tells me about the problem in a matter of fact way then that is my cue to offer a solution. However, if I tell him of a problem that I am dealing with, he automatically goes into "fix it" mode and tells me exactly what I should be doing to resolve the problem. This is where yet another break down in communication begins. Men see problems in a very matter of fact, black and white way. Women have various shades of gray. I had to explain to my husband that if I need him to "fix" my problem I will ask him for advice then I will put it with my own ideas and find the solution. But for the most part, when I tell him about a rotten day that I had or a problem that I am having, In all truth I just want him to listen to me. I will vent and then mull over solutions out loud and eventually I will talk myself into the answer. It is that answer that I want his opinion on.
At that point he is free to offer any advice he chooses.
The core to good communication is always in the listening. Pay attention to what your spouse has to say. Once you have that down, the door to communication swings wide open!

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