by J. Thornton-Thomas

Created on: April 16, 2009

You have to let her go because the tighter you try to hold on-the more she will rebel. Speaking from experience, it's very hard to watch your daughter self-destruct and do nothing. But by standing on the sidelines actually helped my daughter. It was when I let her fall, that she began to grow up. Sometimes, we help them to the point enabling them. My daughter left town furious with me and told anyone who would listen that turned my back on her. It hurt me to the core not being to talk to her or see my grandchild, but I had to establish boundaries. She is doing so much better, however, because she was able to see that I wouldn't always be around to come to her aid. She understood that she needed to help herself, so she enrolled in school and is working to build a life for herself and her child.

Here are the steps that I took to handle my daughter:

1-You have to establish boundaries. You can't always be her friend. At some point you have to become the parent, even if she turns on you. You cannot allow her to use her child(ren) to emotionally blackmail you either.

2-You have to let her stand on her own two feet. She may fall, but know that you taught her well, so she'll be able to pick herself up and start again. We all fail from time to time, but each day she opens her eyes is another day to try again.

3-Once you see that she is doing everything she can to make something of her life-if there is a real need (not a want) and she has exhausted all resources to meet that need, then feel free to help her, but stress that this is a one-time deal. Stick to your word because if you don't, she will manipulate you over and over again.

4-If the prodigal daughter needs to come home and she is ready to abide by your rules, then draw up an agreement outlining the terms before allowing her to move back. If this is a temporary arrangement, then put it in writing and make sure she understands.

5-Once she starts working, charge her rent. Place this money in a savings account for her and if an emergency arises-you can pull from this. When she is ready to move out, you can give her this money as a gift to help with any neccessities.

6-If she needs a car, you can purchase an inexpensive used one and give that to her, but draw up another agreement and cite a small montly payment even if it's $ 25 per week/month. I've found that my daughter seemed to value her car more now that she has to give us something each month. We deposit this money in the savings for her as well. This comes in handy when she has to get the car repaired. Once the payments were made as agreed-we signed over the car to her. This also gives them a sense of independance and they take pride in knowing that they have paid something off.

Her wilderness experience actually helped her appreciate all we've done for her in the past, and we learned from it as well.

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