You know that eye-opening moment you have in school? When you start to "get" all the jokes about freshman? You thought you were so cool. Then a year or two later you realize just how immature you really were.
I've had several of these defining epiphanies. Just recently I've been catapulted into a new realm. Everything in the rearview mirror becomes suddenly clearer. All that is before me seems slightly out of focus. I guess this is growing up.
My friendships are changing again. I feel like I'm being left behind by some and wondering why others haven't grown up yet. Motherhood is a special place that I've stepped into. I knew I'd never be the same, but I didn't know to what extent this would change me. When I found out my little boy could hear in utero, I paid more attention to what I said and listened to.
I've always thought that people should grow up when they have kids. Stop the reckless, selfish behavior and strive to be there for your child. I wonder how people can drive racecars when the have kids. Do they feel that is a core part of their identity that can't be separated from them? Do they just refuse to grow up?
As a child, the question, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" was a simple one. Perhaps the answer was your intended career. In reality, it is so hard to become yourself. To ask if you are who you want to be.
Who am I, beyond my name, occupation, and family? What makes me this person? What will I cling to at all costs? There are things that recently have become synonymous with "me." I'm not me without my boys. What else will become "me?"
I know that I have to write. I've been writing, really writing, since I was 12. My words reflect that I've grown up. Feeling suppressed, angry, misunderstood, first loves, first everythings, finding out what love really is, accepting, respecting, understanding.
Am I not trying hard enough to make money doing what I love? I worry that I have to support my family with a "real job." I'm good at what I do. I just got a promotion and a raise, but this is a place I'd never thought I'd get to. Working in an office. Getting up early. Wearing blazers. Shaking hands. I'm an artist masquerading as a business professional.
I was so excited to get my own office, one with a window and a new computer. My office should be wherever I can carry my pad and pen. I was so close to quitting my day job. What happened to writing at the beach? What happened to "I'll never work full-time" and "I'll never work in an office?" Am I losing me? Am I growing up, taking on the responsibilities that a wife and mother should?
Do I give up entirely and just let this world shape me? I had a convertible, a writing job, and I could do whatever I pleased. Now it's all gone.
Bring on the minivan, complete with "soccer mom" stickers. Take my son to daycare. Quit cooking. Buy processed food. Cut my childish long hair. Stop dreaming about where I'd like to get tattoos. Put away the books. Listen to pop. Watch too much TV. Is this growing up?
I'll be middle aged and overweight when I'm financially stable. Nothing will be new. There will be no words to write, no naivety or innocence. The jading is well underway. My creativity? Spent. Squelch and squander me. Exploit my desire to research, learn, read, solve. Figure out why profit margins are down rather than writing the words that save lives. We've lost all art and culture in the name of growing up.
I want to write for the girl that was me. That foolish 14-year-old freshman that hated her body. The 15-year-old who so desperately wanted a boyfriend. The 16-year-old who could never have the car or go anywhere (except to work for her parents). The 17-year-old that just wanted out. The 18-year-old, first out on her own. Eager to see what the world was all about.
I want to write for the 19-year-old that got married before she grew up, thinking she'd not be asked again. The 20-year-old that resented her husband. The 21-year-old that figured it out and fell in love with him again. The 22-year-old that finally found some stability, her place. The-23-year-old that finally learned to accept and respect herself. The 24-year-old that got pregnant and no longer belonged to herself. The 25-year-old that brought a new life into the world and sees through his eyes. The new mom who is re-asking, redefining everything.
I know you are out there. I wish I could write for you. I wish you could hear.
(Stepping down from my soapbox. Stepping away from the podium at open-mic. Sitting back at my little desk, in my little office with a little window that I don't look out of.)
I had better get back to work. Because I'm a grown up.