by Carol Gustke

Created on: April 16, 2009

Okay, that's it...I'm quitting smoking. How many times had I said that to myself? Hundreds. Maybe even thousands. But an hour later, I'm either rummaging through a dirty ash tray for a long butt, or driving to the nearby gas station to buy another pack.

I once visited my son for a week. He lives in another state. No one in his family smokes, so I decided I wouldn't either. But just in case I got a moment by myself, I tucked a pack in my suitcase.

Later that evening, while the family slept, I sneaked outside and hastily lit up. I made sure I wasn't standing beneath their bedroom window in case the smoke drifted high enough for them to smell.

Once I finished, I buried the butt under a rock in the garden. What if a neighbor spotted me? What would I say? I could tell them I was on a scavenger hunt and needed to find a worm.

Each morning, I took a long walk. I would get in at least two good smokes. After returning one day, my son asked me how much his Dad smoked. I assumed no one could detect smoke on me, because I certainly couldn't.

"Oh, yes," I countered, "he smokes like a chimney."

My son just shook his head and walked away.

After supper, the veins in my neck were throbbing, I wanted a cigarette so badly. But I would have to tough it out until nigh time when I could keep my appointment with Mr. Rock.

The day I returned home from my visit, I was waiting at the airport for my husband to pick me up. I had finished my pack the night before so I was feeling desperate. No one can understand this horrendous craving unless they've been a smoker themselves. If Esau had been a smoker, I'm sure he would have sold his birthright to Jacob for a long draw of nicotine.

I longingly eyed the butts people had thrown into the ash can standing nearby. Too many people waiting around who would stare at me in disgust. Then, it happened. A blond haired woman came out the door and lit up. Hallelujah! I'm saved.

I sauntered over and asked her if she could spare one of her cigarettes. She smiled and handed her pack over. I slipped one out, hoping she didn't notice my shaking hand, or the contortions around my lips.

I thanked her, and stuck the long, white tranquiler into my mouth. "Oh, yes," I moaned. Another drag. Suddenly, my head begin to spin. My knees quivered. I leaned against the wall to keep from falling face down.

"Are you all right?" asked the blond woman.

"I'm fine," I slurred, "just give me a minute or two."

She grinned. "Been a while, huh?"

Only a fellow nicotine addict could be so understanding.

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