by Jonna Norris

Created on: April 16, 2009

"Remember that you're not raising children. You're raising adults." These were the words of my grandmother, hand on hip and frowning over my decision to use time out as a consequence for my toddler instead of an old fashioned spanking. I don't agree with her method of discipline, but I understand her reasoning behind it. She was encouraging me to stay focused on the big picture: molding the screaming lump on the floor into a respectable adult.

Now a mother of four, I am often consumed with the most effective way to turn a sometimes unruly child into a responsible citizen. I've come to realize that a responsible adult is an empowered adult. An empowered adult begins as an empowered child. Because of this, I've tried to encourage my children to make use of two incredible rights that they are lucky enough to have been born into: the right to a voice and the right to a choice.

My own mother always told me, "Stand up and be counted. You have a voice-use it." The voice box that produces a scream so shrill that it can shatter both supermarket windows and the eardrums of innocent bystanders can be used to voice an opinion, an idea, a compliment. A strong voice can move mountains, change the world, or at least sway a boardroom. A tender voice will have the power to calm their own child when the word "no" sends him or her into hysteria.

I give my children a chance to say their piece, be it to voice their dismay about an unfair consequence or to tip a decision in their favor. I ask only that they be respectful while giving it their best shot. It may not change my mind on the subject, but occasionally it has. My hope is that this will teach them effective communication strategies that will stay with them into adulthood, allowing them to positively interact with coworkers, their spouse and eventually their own children.

I also want them to know that they have a right to choose. Faced with sometimes difficult decisions every day, I want to arm them with the understanding that they have the power to make their own choices. Beyond that is the realization that every choice has a consequence, be it positive or negative. My daughter knows that she can choose not to pick up her toys like I have asked her to do. She also knows that if she chooses not honor my request, the toys that she leaves on the floor will undoubtedly end up in my possession. Picking up her toys is much easier than earning them back once I own them. The point is, she has the power to choose and make her choice based on a clear understanding of the consequence of each action. In the larger scope of things, I hope that she learns she is in charge of her own destiny and to evaluate the outcome of each decision before making it.

I wish I could tell my grandmother that I get it. I wish she could see my four-year-old choose to pick up her toys. I wish even more that she could see how she reacts (most of the time in a positive way) to the consequence of not fulfilling her responsibility. There's still that occasional very dramatic, the-world-is-ending, fall to the floor tantrum. But I can see the outline of the respectable, responsible adults that my children will become-hopefully with strong voices and educated choices.

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