by Pamela A Mertz

Created on: April 15, 2009

Of My Own Volition (or Why I Love Taz)

I remember the first time I heard anyone suggest I try voluntary stuttering, I remember thinking, "what a ridiculous thought". I couldn't imagine purposely doing something I had tried to cover up for years. It just didn't make sense.

But it did make sense. When I learned that voluntary stuttering actually gives you some control over your stuttering, that made sense to me. Because control has always been an issue with me.

I had very little control over what happened as a child growing up in chaos. I had no control when my mom drank. I had no control when my dad was constantly critical or ruling the house with a physical fist. I had no control over my speech. I was yearning for something to be in control of, even as a scared little girl.

Years later, as an adult, I would have stuttering moments where I felt such a lack of control that it felt like I was that terrified child all over again. Sometimes I drag my words, and my jaw and lips seem to go with the drag. It is like a tremor in my lips -where I have absolutely no control, a feeling of helplessness. I never knew that this was actually referred to as "blocking", because when I was covert I also denied that I stuttered. This almost always happens in my workplace or at homealmost never in the clinic setting. Another reason to feel helpless, because it happens on it's own schedule, not when I would like to be able to show somebody!

Now that I am being open, overt and accepting, having a tool for control was intriguing in a way.
I could choose where and when to stutter purposefully, and I could control how it would sound. Except of course when the voluntary stutter turns into a real stuttering moment. That happens once in a while, and the control changes.

I have found voluntary stuttering to be most useful when I actually talk about stuttering. Either one-on-one or in a group. If I am "not stuttering enough" I will throw some purposeful stutters in, for good measure and to lend credibility. Yeah, that's right. I sometimes feel I am not stuttering enough. That is a thought perhaps unique to covert stutterers. That feeling of being caught between both worlds. Oh, what a bittersweet feeling.

Being able to stutter on purpose gives me a sense of control, even if only for a millisecond. I have initiated the stuttering and I am in charge of that space. Even if it turns real, which is OK too.

Now I know why I am so enthralled with my Tasmanian Devil auto air freshener. It has long lost any scent, and is faded from the sun. I also have a favorite Loony Tunes character shirt with Taz proclaiming to be a "control freak". So Taz and me have something in common. We share that "feel-good" feeling that comes with having a little control over a small piece of our world. So there!

Learn more about this author, Pamela A Mertz.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.