by Jayden Lark

Created on: April 15, 2009

God's Crush on an Atheist

Dear Diary,

God here. I've got a pretty severe crush.

I've got a crush on a girl; and, she's not just any girl. She's a girl who doesn't even believe I exist.

Her crooked, crescent grin is more delicious in its fecundity than Adam's first rib, and her parted, slender legs make me wish my publishers had edited out that Red Sea bit from my closet of skeletal shrapnel. When I see the jealous wind off the ocean comb her long hair back like a narrow canyon does, I feel an insatiable guilt over my condemning verdict in the Solomon case (even the All-Knowing and All-Perfect second-guess themselves sometimes). Yes, she is truly the most magnificent and beautiful creature in my creative portfolio!

But, darn, does she piss me off sometimes. For example, on our first date, when darkness was upon the face of the deep, and there was still some formless void, she said, "I got it," and hit the light switch. I mean, heck, does she think God doesn't have feelings, pride and masculine dignity like any other made in his form?! Didn't she stop to think that maybe, just maybe, I was about to let light be, and that I was about to declare that light was good? Sometimes I feel like she is not fully and emotionally supporting me and that her sensitivity toward my entrepreneurial spirit is lacking.

But, still, love is irrational. I would carve myself into an omniscient, salt sculpture for just one glimpse, over my shoulder, of her radiance! I would repeal a sacrifice in my name and call off the stoning of sinners for just one more afternoon with her.

She drives me crazy. She embodies all that is beautiful in my creation and wears Original Sin like it were the newest iPhone. She demonstrates the indescribable complexity of sexual allure I alone can design, and her family photos (despite the one of her great grandmother) are ideally lacking in transitional fossil shots. She is the impeccable and voluptuously-enticing model of everything I have strived to create. But then, she goes and does something like eat shell fish! If it's not that, she's busy claiming that my resume conflicts with some new "theory" of natural selection, or she is worshipping false (American) idols. As if that's not enough, she covets her neighbor's herb garden while babbling on about how unethical slavery is! I mean, she just drives me mad!

But, then it takes only a few moments of passion beneath the firmament for me to forgive. Even her insistence that we call the firmament the "sky" doesn't bother me anymore.

I'm in love with a girl. I just wish I could get her to believe I exist.

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