by Rhulain Swann

Created on: April 15, 2009

To the One Who Got Away:

This is the letter I will never send. My heart is in this letter, or at least what I have been able to slowly put back together so far. I still remember March 31, 2008. It was the night you told me that you loved me. It was the night I told you I loved you, too. We were only together for a few short months. But in those months, I never did stop smiling. When people asked me why, I was proud to tell them that I was in love with someone who made me feel so alive and so beautiful. We shared a connection, so deep that I just cannot put it into words. We shared what we could of our lives with each other; our dreams, passions, and goals in life. We shared it all through love. I felt like I was in a place where I would never get hurt. But that's exactly what happened. I have never felt the pains of love. At least, not like this. Not until now. You hurt me in ways you promised you would never. In ways I never knew you could or would ever do. But I acknowledge that I hurt you, too.

I've tried to move on since then, just like you have. But unlike you, I have been unsuccessful in my attempts. The men that came after you were either completely unacceptable or they were perfectly nice but I felt nothing for them. None of them felt right. None of them were you. It's been almost a year now since our relationship fell apart. But this past week, I have been haunted by you in my dreams. Everywhere I look, I see some symbol that reminds me of you or hear a song that we both loved and had some sort of significance to what we shared. I find myself getting angry at myself, but mostly sad, because all of it only reminds me that I cannot be with you. I never knew that someone could hurt as much as I do.

How I wish that we could go back to those days. Do you even remember any of it? How much we laughed and joked, how much fun we had. How much we loved. Do you ever think about me at all? Probably not. I once occupied every one of your waking thoughts and even your dreams. But I know she resides there now. I know that it's no longer me. I guess I can accept that. No, I have to accept that.

You meant so much to me. Not just as a partner but as a friend. I feel we no longer even have that, our friendship. We have spoken twice since our interaction with each other started to fade into nothing. I know you are busy, as am I, but I never thought we would end up not speaking at all. Is it really just because you are so busy or is it because it's awkward for you now? I hope it's just the former. So perhaps in the future, we can resume our friendship.

I remember we said that it would always be us because it seemed that fate had brought us together. But then you decided that is no longer what you wanted. So I cursed fate, which had turned out to be so cruel.

But, despite all of this, I also have to thank you. You have taught me so much. You taught me how to love unconditionally, no matter how much it hurt. I will always remember fondly the love we shared, though it is still painful. Thoughts of you will always bring a smile to my heart. I still hold dear all of the sweet memories. I still hold dear to the knowledge that I had you once, even if for just a short time. I thank you for the best months of my life. I will always look back on them with no regrets. No regrets, except perhaps that it had to end.

I hope that you will accomplish all of your dreams. I hope that you will retain the same inner strength, quiet pride, and personal honor that I have always so admired in you. I still love you and want you to have the best in life. I just wish I was a part of it. I want you to always be happy. Even if it's no longer with me.

All my love, always.

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