by Courtney Alexis Packard

Created on: April 14, 2009   Last Updated: April 15, 2009

I'm going to go out on a limb here and declare to the reading public that I am the queen of comebacks - Not the princess, not the lady-in-waiting, but the QUEEN. However, I should also take a moment to clarify that while I am the unofficially crowned queen of comebacks, that does not, in any shape or form, mean that I come up with good ones. In fact, my comebacks are quite lame ... I could also be dubbed the queen of AWFUL comebacks. But we're talking about quantity, not quality here.

My favorite comebacks are of the short, right-to-the-point variety. They don't even have to make sense. It's all about timing. So, without further adieu, my favorite comebacks of all-time:

1.) "your mom" - coveted, powerful, a guaranteed burn. The very second I heard Kip utter "your mom goes to college" in Napoleon Dynamite, I was positive he would be winning an Oscar for such a flawless delivery. (I hate being wrong)

2.) "your dad" - a good fallback if someone beats you to a "your mom" or you're feeling spritely.

3.) "your face" - like a "your mom" or "your dad", but more personal, thus, a bigger burn factor.

Now keep in mind that all of these comebacks can work independently or in a partnership with the verb "is". For example, editing books as my job at a self-publishing company oftentimes crushes my faith in humanity. Witnessing all of the blatantly obvious grammar mistakes that not even a fifth grader would make can provoke and audible "WTF?" from even the most reserved of employees.

One Friday, after a particularly grueling round of editing, I could not help expressing my exasperated sentiments aloud. "UGH, what a freakin' stupid mistake!" I bellowed.

Nick, my fellow co-worker who was having an equally frustrating day, peered over my cubicle wall...

"Your mom's a stupid mistake," he whispered.

Without turning my face away from my computer screen or missing a beat I replied, "YOU'RE a stupid mistake."

Game over. BURN.

Nick accepted defeat and went back to his work, only to gain an impressive lead that afternoon when I mistakenly mentioned that my contacts were killing me. "Ya, well your FACE is killing me," he said almost a little too giddily.

Well played, sir.

Now remember, when going in for the kill, it's all about waiting for that perfect moment. The deepest burn can come from the most unexpected of places. Look for openings in everyday conversation. Let the opportunities come to you. Chances are, any sentence that contains the word "you" in it can be immediately be redirected with a "your mom", "dad", or "face".

A word of caution: DO NOT set yourself up!

Case in point:

"Hey guys, 'My Big Fat Greek Wedding' is on tv tonight!"

"Your mom's a big fat Greek wedding!"....

Ouch. Didn't even see it coming.

And I cannot stress this point enough- Do not, under any circumstances, use a "your mom" joke on ... your mom. "Yo' mamma" jokes are a kind of comedy that the baby boomers just do not, and cannot understand. One fall weekend I was visiting my mother and she said to me, "I really need your help raking leaves today". Being the sarcastic, disrespectful individual that I am, I replied, "YOUR MOM really needs help raking leaves today".

My mom just looked at me blankly and said, "Honey, grandma lives in Florida".

What a waste.

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