by Lynn Dancey Rudkin

Created on: April 14, 2009

A resounding yes to this thoughtful query. Had the question not included "minor," the answer would have been just the opposite.

Why did the birthmother, or possibly the state, place her child? Was she emotionally responsible? Financially secure enough to bring up a child? There's no doubt that our birthmother loved the child, and she was smart enough to place him for adoption, even though her heart cried to keep him. She realized that not placing him for adoption would be selfish, and that if she had kept him that would only have fulfilled her " need for someone to love."

We examined the reasons she placed the child. Do those reasons still exist, or did she and her circumstances change? Are we willing to have her in our life? How would our child handle the facts or a meeting? Not successfully while he is a child.

More importantly, an adoptive parent must consider how the child would deal with ramifications of meeting a birth parent and possibly any siblings.

While he's a minor, our child needs to climb trees, ride bikes, study books and life, and explore the world around him. He needs time to investigate what the world holds in store, and how to deal with a myriad of issues. We have no reservations in saying an adopted minor child doesn't need to get involved with his birthfamily's problems.

Our son inherited his birthparents' ADHD, and is bipolar, just as his birthmom deals with in her daily life. At 9, a child shouldn't be expected deal with the "how's" and "why's" behind being placed for adoption. Already he feels rejected by his birthmother, and meeting her at a tender age would serve no worthwhile purpose. He's also a bit judgmental: When he was 7 or 8, our child asked, "How old was my birthmom when she had me." We told him that she was 20. His eyes grew wide and he said, "Well, that's WAY too young to have sex!" His bmom probably doesn't need that added stress in her life. Hopefully later in life he will have learned a bit of discretion.

We're heard stories of success, and others failure in introducing children to their birthparents.

One adoptive family helped their teenage daughter reunite with her bmom, allowing her to spend a few days with the birth family: the girl "used" the association to try to go back and forth between homes in different states whenever something didn't please her.

Whether or not that would happen in our case isn't critical. What matters is that our child has much to learn about life yet; we answer his questions, but he needs to learn

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