by Mark Browning

Created on: January 30, 2007   Last Updated: April 22, 2007

"Embrace a total quality paradigm while prioritizing the achievement-oriented outcomes relative to demographic impact on the enterprise-wide economies of productivity."
Yes, I'm all about embracing. Let's embrace. The rest of that stuff can be jettisoned.
Jargon is the refuge of small minds cluttered with even smaller ideas. Jargon speaks louder than (real) words, telling the world, "I haven't a clue about how to improve my business, but I have memorized a few polysyllabic howitzer shells that I dug out of an article in the Harvard Business Review."

"Let's think outside the box!"
What box? Where is this stinking box that everybody's always wanting to think outside of? I've never seen the box, and I don't think that I know anybody who thinks inside the box. Given the incredible amount of clutter that masquerades as genuine thought, maybe we ought to be thinking INSIDE the box for a change.
Perhaps we should "push the envelope." Yeah, let's get an envelope out of our desk drawer and push it. Do the people who talk about pushing the envelope ever think about what they mean? That metaphor comes from aircraft performance. The envelope is the graph of the plane's performance at various altitudes, speeds, and so forth. When you're inside the envelope, life is fine; outside the envelope, bad things happen. Do you really want to push the envelope? Please don't push the envelope when I'm in your plane. What does a manager really mean when they encourage us to "push the envelope"? They mean, "You ought to work harder and produce more for the same (or less) money. Now get me a cup of coffee." That's what they mean. And that "outside the box" thing? They know that good things-like money, security, and the like-can be found inside the box. ManagerSpeak says "think outside the box" when it means "Stay out of my box. You take the risks while I take the credit."
What are some other secrets of ManagerSpeak?
Win-win = management wins twice
Work smarter, not harder = Work smarter, longer, AND harder
Learn to do more with less = You're getting a pay cut
We're re-evaluating our hierarchy = Get your resume in order
Commitment to quality = Do things the same as always but you'll get a coffee mug that says "Commitment to quality."

Managers, through their abuse of language, perform a vital controlling service on our economy. Without their gibberish, growth would spiral upward beyond control, leading to inflation. So if you can afford to own a computer, thank a manager.

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