by Kelly Sandefur

Created on: April 13, 2009

It's late, as usual. Insomnia should be my middle name. I can barely remember the last time I was asleep before 1 a.m. in the morning. Thus is my life, whether I want it to be or not. Sleep is just something I seem to be unable to do...at least at night. I can sleep for hours during the day, but at night I'm wide awake. Even if I force myself to stay awake all day long, around 10 at night my eyes go "PING" and I'm up til 2 or 3 in the morning. I wasn't always this way. It's just happened over the last 3 or 4 years of my life. I don't know exactly when it began, just that it started after I had to move back in with my parents after a disastrous relationship. It was like I had an awakening to reality, only reality wasn't going to let me sleep ever again. At least, not at night.

It's amazing all the things you can do when you can't sleep. You can't be too loud, especially if you have other people in your household like I do. Sometimes life seems so much simpler in the wee hours of the morning. There's no one asking you to do anything, no demands on your time. It's just time to reflect upon your life. Unfortunately, I spend a good share of the time I can't sleep doing just that...pondering the thousands of things I could do to improve my life and the lives of my children. In the silence of the night, I realize that I am in control of my own destiny. If only during the daylight hours I could make all my ideas into reality. I'm working on that.

I've been told that my insomnia is a symptom of depression. I have known for some time that I am suffering from depression, but there is no possible way for me to get any help for it at this time. Lack of insurance means lack of any time of medical care. So for now, I will suffer...but one day I know my insomnia will no longer beat me. I will overcome this, as well as the depression. As long as I have hope, I know I am not so far gone. Hope is sometimes all a person has. Especially in the wee hours of the morning.

I've made some strides in that direction already. I quit smoking a month ago, and I'm working on losing some weight as well. I used to drink nothing but Pepsi, and the last few weeks I've substituted my love for Pepsi by drinking water. Grant it, I have to buy those flavor pouches to add to it in order to drink it...I'm not a fan of my local water. I have hope. I cling to it like some infants cling to a favorite blanket. As long as I don't lose that, I know I will win any battle.

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