by Cheryl Rickey

Created on: April 13, 2009   Last Updated: April 14, 2009

I have had three knee surgeries in the past year and I really looked forward to each of them. Similar to the way I always look forward to having a root canal, just a bit worse.

So, now that I'm really getting to be a pro at surgery,I though I would share the top ten reasons why I love surgery.

1. I love getting up at 4:30 am to get ready and then realizing that I can't eat or drink. It's just cruel to expect someone to brush their teeth with "as little water as possible" Eeeew.

2. I enjoy leaving the house with no makeup, nail polish, perfume, jewelry.....and "comfortable loose fitting clothing". I feel like I'm working at Wal Mart.

3. My favorite part is when they start the IV and they say "It's just a pinch". I want to lean over and grab a piece of their skin and pinch it really hard til they cry. Then maybe they'll rethink things and say "This is going to hurt and there's nothing you can do about it".

4. The "johnny" is another thing that I so look forward to. Who named it a "johnny"? It's an insult to anyone with that name. I'd call it indecent exposure. "Take all your clothes off and put this on for modesty". Yes, I'm always feeling quite modest when I'm in a public place with my naked ass out in the open.

5. I love the surgical bonnet. It's like a unisex shower cap. It goes so well with the foam slippers with the smiley faces. Someone who came up with hospital garb really had some fashion sense.

6. I do enjoy that you have to be fairly educated to have surgery. They roll you into the cold room and then ask you to count backwards from 10. I've only made it to 9 so far. I'd really like to get to negative 50 and still be awake. That would drive the anesthesia doctor NUTS.

7. One of the best parts of surgery is waking up. It's like a movie. The nurses keep calling your name and you feel like you're Dorothy spinning in the house high above Kansas. You open your eyes and everyone is smiling at you like you've just been captured by human eating aliens and they're VERY hungry.

8. The morphine button isn't so bad either. I'd like a little portable one to use when someone is pissing me off in line at the grocery store or in traffic. Then again, that might not be a good idea. God knows, I'm already full of sarcasm without morphine.

9. Bedpans rate right up there with having my ass in the wind in a johnny. Not only do they give you a bedpan that's cold metal, the nurse usually tells you to relax and let her know when you're done. Then they don't come back for 20 minutes after you press the buzzer. Oh crap...I was pushing the morphine button instead.

10. Truthfully, the only thing I really like about having surgery is the fact that I'm an insomniac...and I get the best sleep of my life while under the knife.

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