by K Ivey

Created on: April 12, 2009

When one spouse is in the military, it can create unique challenges in a marriage. Deployments mean separation, worry and often create tension. Having been married to a military man for over 20 years, I have learned to appreciate the advantage of having the support of an extended military family. I have also had the opportunity to learn to cope with the stress of separations and reunions.

One of the things that keeps our marriage strong is shared values. While we are completely different people and our taste in most things is quite opposite, our core values are very similar. We have the same long term goals, have a similar outlook on ethics and morals and when we set priorities, we generally agree on what is most important. The fact that we are able to appreciate our differences and recognize our common ground has saved many arguments and lots of heartache.

Something else that helps contribute to our ability to stay united and strong is learning to handle deployments. When your spouse deploys for a period of six months or more, the adjustment when he/she leaves is very difficult. When my husband leaves, I take on lots of additional responsibility. He usually pays the bills, gets the cars inspected, changes the oil, comforts our daughters when they are upset and takes care of tons of other things I never realize until he is away. It takes me some time to adjust to these extra demands. It also takes a while to get used to not having him to share ideas with, complain to, and put my cold feet on at night.

It helps to keep him informed about major happenings. He is feeling isolated and left out of family decisions and needs to be included. I e-mail or write letters often. I like to let him know I'm thinking about him and send packages if possible. All these things keep us connected while he is away.

Another challenge you may not think about is the homecoming. This is a joyous and exciting occasion and there is nothing like seeing my husband again for the first time in months. However, the first couple of weeks after his return can be challenging to say the least. The family has fallen into a new routine, I have been taking care of tasks he was accustomed to doing and all of a sudden, he starts taking it over again. I used to take offense if he asked me whether a bill got paid or if the car tags were current until I realized that his intention is not to question my judgement. He simply wants to feel needed and to find his place again in our home.

We handle this homecoming tension by easing slowly back into the old routine. I continue doing the tasks I have done in his absence and let him know any changes I've made to his 'system'. Then I slowly back off and he takes back the responsibilities he is accustomed to having and we talk about how to make the adjustment and balance out our responsibilities. The most important thing is being open and having an honest conversation about how to be effective partners and stay close and connected.

Love grows when you overcome challenges together.

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