by Melinda Barr

Created on: April 12, 2009

Why is your child transitioning from your bed in the first place? Doesn't he have one of his own?

Many parents enjoy snuggling up with their children at bedtime, reading stories or just lovingly soothing the child. This can be a very important bonding time between parent and child, and get set in motion a loving family ritual that can last in a child's memory forever.

We have all had our toddler or child wake in the night with fears of shadows, sounds, or just being alone. Frequently they will find their way into your bedroom. In this case, gently lead or carry your little one back to his own bed, and snuggle with him until he falls asleep. Do not give in to tiredness or laziness as an excuse to accept him into your bed. He does not need to be there, nor does he belong there.

Children have night fears and nightmares just as many adults do. A good parent can reassure and calm the child merely be being with him during these times. In each instance, this comforting should take place in the child's bed. This will help reinforce the fact that his bedroom in indeed a safe and secure place for him to be. It also maintains the parent's rights of alone time and intimacy in their own bedroom.

Except under extreme circumstances, there is no need for a child to seek solace and comfort in the parent's bed. In many families, the parental bedroom is actually off limits to the children, no matter what their age. Young children do need your love and comfort, but they do not need anything of the sort from your bed.

When the baby transitions from cradle to crib, it is a good time to move him into his own room, if he is not already there. Once he moves into a regular or toddler bed, he should be well used to sleeping in his own room by himself. This is one of the earliest steps in teaching your child independence.

Statistically, many marriages fall apart under the stress of starting or raising a family, and a child in the matrimonial bed is a good way to start this downslide. Your bedroom is the sanctuary for you and your partner only. This is your place for quiet time together, as well as your place for intimacy, both sexual and other. A toddler between you in bed does not bode well for a healthy intimate, sexual relationship.

Sexual and personal intimacy is the glue that bonds partners together. It is very beneficial to allow your child to see you responding to each other with loving gestures and looks. These gestures of intimacy help strengthen the family bonds and values. The privacy and sanctuary of your own bedroom however is your domain for the two of you to be sexually intimate. There is no room or place for a child in this domain.

Allowing your child into your bed does not teach him anything of value. Any nurturing, comforting or loving your child requires during night hours can be accomplished just as easily in his own room. Always remember, he is not looking to your bed for comfort, he is looking for mommy or daddy for comfort. Be there for him when he needs you, and then return to your partner and your own bed.

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