by GraMarie Walker

Created on: January 29, 2007   Last Updated: April 23, 2007

Marital discord and divorce is never easy. For those of us with children, it becomes even more complex and heart wrenching because of the impact it will have on them. Conducting ourselves poorly during and following a split is an understandable, but potentially devastating mistake.

All of us believe we love our children above all else. Yet, many of us will completely forget their needs by using them as a very effective weapon in a private "war" over unresolved issues. When we forget our responsibility and let emotions cloud our judgment in this way, we are Not protecting or loving our children. We are abusing them as surely as if we had picked up a bat and beaten each child with it! The resulting psychological bruises will last a lifetime. Those children have become an object to be used self-righteously in our clash of egos and they know it. They see us hurting each other and they are fully aware that they are the weapons being used to cause that pain. Is it any wonder most children of broken homes grow up feeling like they are somehow to blame for the disaster in their world? Is this a legacy any of us wants to give them on which to build their futures? I think not.

Avoiding this is a balancing act requiring vigilance and conscious effort. It demands that we accept responsibility for our behavior and place our children's welfare at the top of our list of priorities. The following are some guidelines to help lessen this blow to our children by behaving responsibly even when our ex isn't:

_Be aware of little ears! They hear and understand more than we think!
_Explain to the children that this is Not their fault. Sometimes people just can't get along and even if Mommy and Daddy can't live together anymore it doesn't mean they don't love their babies.
_Be willing to compromise when designing and implementing visitation agreements. Unless there is good reason such as safety issues, denying our children time with the ex is just plain wrong. It hurts them and will hurt us in the long run. If the ex really Is a loser, trust the children to figure that out on their own. They will, given time. If we cut off contact, the children may grow up thinking it was our fault they didn't get to know their other parent.
_If the ex cannot be allowed to see them for reasons such as drug abuse or brutality, be honest. Tell them why in a way suitable for their level of understanding. Take care not to elaborate or appear critical. If they understand it is for their safety or because the

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