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Marriage is a sacrament, instituted by God in the Garden of Eden and further sanctified by the fact that the first miracle performed by Jesus was at a wedding in Cana. So, in the modern tradition of casting all sacred things to the dogs, of course there are pet weddings. Before long there will be cat Bar Mitzvahs and dog Ramadans as well.

One possible ideological basis for pet nuptials is found in the idea that there are no rules anymore (except of course for the ones against voting the 'wrong way' on a Gay marriage referendum) and that we can do whatever we like, and no one is permitted to criticize us. Why not have a wedding for the dog? Why not marry the dog yourself? Do as thou wilt!

Another basis for the idea of pet weddings comes from the opposite point of view. People who have sex are supposed to get married first, we reason. Our cats Ralph and George have been having sex and George (now Georgina) has just given birth to a litter of kittens. Shouldn't Ralph have to do the right thing, marry George, and save those poor kittens from a lifetime of being bastards? While the faith may teach us that animal marriages are not at all required by God, our love for our pets may make us feel that perhaps our pets should receive the sacrament of marriage just in case.

What other sacraments should our pets be receiving? Baptism, of course. Pets sin- my dog recently grabbed a FedEx package containing an Infant of Prague statue, ripped it open, and then smacked the statue around for a bit and buried it in a snowbank. So now I have to think about baptizing the dog, after all I wouldn't want the dog to go to hell. Confession would be rather hard for a pet to manage since they cannot tell the priest their sins- except maybe in the case of talking parrots. Confirmation? Why not? My cats already have more knowledge about the pro-life teachings of the Catholic faith than Nancy Pelosi, Katherine Sibelius and Ted Kennedy rolled into one. And for the sick pet, why not Extreme Unction, the anointing of the sick?

For Jewish people, the problem would be finding a mohel (traditional circumciser) who is willing to circumsize the hamster. Kind of tough work on the little pets. And do pet birds even have a foreskin to cut off during the circumcision? What about goldfish?

The Bar Mitzvah ceremony involves reading the Torah scroll in Hebrew in the synagogue, and admittedly most pets are not really up on their Hebrew, but they will enjoy the Bar Mitzvah ceremony afterwards.

And what about the Muslim pet? Ramadan, the Muslim holy month, is celebrated by abstaining from food and drink during the daylight hours and eating loads of stuff once the sun goes down. Most pets will love the eating loads part, but I'm not sure we can get them to comply with the abstaining during daylight part.

But the real problem with Muslim pet ceremonies is that there are large numbers of Muslims out there who think that blaspheming their religion by including animals in sacred things is a serious offense, and while modern Western culture may allow and even encourage public blasphemy against Christianity and Judaism, it very strictly requires respect for Islam. So perhaps pet marriages will not be something we are all required to accept and participate in.

Learn more about this author, Nissa Annakindt.
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